Wait it Out

Wait It Out

Imogen Heap

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
in the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around;
We're closed to the Earth 'til further notice.
Clambering for the scraps,
clambering in the light.
We're closed to the Earth 'til further...

An all-out one, only one street-level miracle.
I'll be a an out-and-out, born again from none more cynical.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?
Look, you'll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
'round old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should being
in the one life that we've got.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?

Are we just going to wait it out?
Just going to sweat it out?
Just going to sweat it out?
Wait it out.

This is all surreal. It's been a few weeks only and thigns seem to be getting worse and worse. I still can't function right... I feel alone and at odds with the world. There are far too many things to deal with and I don't have a gameplan for any of this.

I. AM. SO. EXHAUSTED.

I want to escape...but to where? What is allowed? What is right? Where do I belong?

I. AM. SO. EXHAUSTED.

Truly Not Asia

* This post may insult people who live in, have travelled to, enjoyed, love (etc., etc., etc.) Malaysia so if this you're going to take this personnaly. Please quit reading this post now.

I am still at the airport in Malaysia as I write this but I can say with conviction:

It will definitely take an undefiable force of nature for me to return to this hellhole.

I would never ever give-up anything and anyone in Manila to stay in this country or live here. This probably just isn't my day but just the same, I can't help but feel negatively towards this place. Being back at work has been both fulfilling and stressful so this pre-planned trip with C, M and thier friends was definitely something that I welcomed--even if it meant being away from Jimmy and everyone else for an entire week but I can't help but feel that this is the most stressful trip I've ever been on in my entire life.

My bro and the others stayed on to continue to Bangkok tomorrow and I honestly wish them luck. Some of this trips lowlights:

1. We had just come from Singapore so there was a stark contrast from the moment we landed here. The lady at the tourist information help desk was much happier chatting on the phone than to actually go and help the tourists.

2. The smell. You can't miss it. 'Nuff said about that.

3. Never trust internet pictures. I'm sure almost 100% of all 'eyeballs' are always miles different from actual photos which explains the actual state of the hotel we stayed in. Kudos to the photographer though. I'm just thankful the people were nice and always helpful.

4. Their transportation system is a mystery to me. I have no idea how buses and trains work here. It doesn't help that the names are hard to pronounce, the map doesn't quite show everything and people can hardly speak English.

5. No, I am not Japanese or Korean or Malaysian or a mery mix of different nationalities. Pilipino ako! And because I can wear tanktops and not have to walk around wrapped from head-to-toe does not give anyone the right to be all "WOW!!!" and ogle my breasts. NO. THAT IS WRONG. Regardless of the time and place.

6. Because I had some errands to run and because I could not afford to be too far from the hotel we stayed in, I opted to go around the Bintang area to explore. While killing time at the bookstore, someone managed to get a hold of my mobile phone from my pocket. "I curse you and your next of kin. May sickness and death plague your bloodline forever!!!" It was a crappy phone but it worked and just the idea of someone stealig something from me just makes me sick to my stomach.

7. The cabbie brought me to the wrong airport. Good thing he gave me his phone number so my bro could use him to get to the airport tomorrow because he was kind enough to bring me to the right one. You rock Radzi! Thank you for getting me one step closer to home.

That's about 7 of Malaysia's deadly sins committed against me. I have almost an hour to go till i have to get on the plane and quite honestly, I'm so scared that something else is going to happen. The best thing I learned on this trip: MANILA ROCKS AND KICKS SOME SERIOUS ASS! 3 stars and a sun!!!

Manila.. I'm coming home.. :p

Hello, Goodbye

I realized that it has been ages since I last blogged and obviously there have been a lot of changes that I have gone through in the last few months.

1 - HELLO: I am now a "purple person". It feels good to be back at work but admittedly, I still haven't gotten into the full-swing of things. Who starts work at 8am anyway??!!! To be honest, I think I've only gotten to the office at that time once and I'm not too sure there'll be a second time. It feels like I'm in a totally different planet. The people are cool and forever on-the-go. I worry sometimes how they stay sane and if I'll ever get as busy as them. (my fingers are crossed!)The downside: Lotus notes and timesheets--What the...??!!! Seriously??!!!

2 - Today! HELLO: Jimmy! :) Suffice to say, I'm happy. We're happy. I know that this ride is about to get a lot crazy in the next few months but he makes me feel that it'll be worth it.

3 - HELLO: Indy (for Indigo/ Indiana Jones meaning its main purpose is to go on adventures, formerly known as WarCar) has risen from the ashes and while I totally disagree with Pix and Jimmy, he is not Purple. He's still blue (a really really shiny and pretty blue!) cos my registration says so. Although, Indy is an entirely different creature from WarCar because he seems to have a mind of his own. He gets annoyed at me and literally throws a fit when I don't step on it and when I don't push him to his maximum potential and speed. My life is more at risk now when I drive slow. Just when I was trying to reform my psycho/jeepney driver ways... tsk tsk tsk!

4 - GOODBYE: SB-ness! I am possibly a good 10 pounds heavier than my last blog entry. I guess the SB theory must really hold true. (For those who are not in the know, the Skeeny Beetch Theory states that your skinny-ness is indirectly proportional to your happiness. In short: payatola = miserable ka and juby/fitzz = happiness.) Jimmy and some other people think this is a better look for me though. I still don't believe that men like their women 'meatier'.

5 - HELLO: new family members! GOODBYE: single blessedness! 2 of my best-est friends are getting married this year. G this Friday and Fifi in November. Two of my cousins are also getting married this year - May and November. My bio-clock is going ticktock but obviously, I'm not quite in panic mode just yet. My new hope ring helps a great deal in keeping me from worrying too.

6 - GOODBYE: Cynicism! On a recent trip to Baguio, something in me changed drastically and dramatically. It could've been the 14 hours of rolling but just the same, I am now not as cynical and pessimistic as I used to be. I must've inhaled an insane amount of pixie dust--thanks a lot Pix! Basta ngayon 'steady-bears' lang tayo parati.. :)

7 - GOODBYE: tears! It's all about moving forward. Maybe things are neither forgiven nor forgotten -- because they simply should not be.. but at least I'm definitely in a better place. At the very least, it was character-building and it's good to know that I am no longer 'stupefied'. (We really must share this language with the world Pix!) Wala na raw akong karpatan magmaasim! And to that I say-- NAMAN!!! Hehe ;)

8 - HELLO: Rockband! I actually played for the first time last weekend and it was so much fun. I just wish that we can really get our band together and have our own 'final set' just to get it out of my system.

9 - GOODBYE: color! For some reason, I've been gravitating towards all things gray when I'm out shopping. I feel drab so I will consciously inject color into my daily wardrobe. I not only went colorblind, I also turned into a Stepford-wife! Deargawd! No, I did not become fashionably-retarded but I may have cleaned-up a little I must get some of my "old mojo" back.. just a little bit lest Pix burn me alive on the spot.

10 - HELLO: WORLD! Yes, I'm alive and I am so kickin' it! ;)

Times Like These
Foo Fighters

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I Heart Jimmy

Meet the new Man in my Life whom I fondly call "Jimmy" (after Bruce Willis' character in The Whole Nine Yards and the sequel "Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski. It's a really long story.. plus it's funny that Demi can be used as the punchline.. Teehee!)

I know it's not the MacBook that I originally wanted but I think this will serve my purpose for now plus I'm just so happy that I don't have to continue going around the metro looking like a Ninja Turtle with my old giant laptop bag-which I have passed on to Chocy.

This is more me - the New Me! Loves it!!! :)

2.0.0.8

It's a bit too early for a year-end recap but just the same.. Rather than a blow by blow account, I think it would be a helluvalot simpler to say that my year was encapsulated within this:

"It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything."

- Tyler Durn, Fight Club

KAMPAI!!!

Oh.Snap.

Got this via email from A. Found it so amusing that i just had to repost.

Bob Ong's Philosophy On Love

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakata kot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

Desperately. Need. Sleep.

I think I may actually be on 'crack' and I'm starting to like it.. Not quite addicted or entirely hooked--maybe NOT YET. I'm not too sure I know how to deal with this. SERIOUSLY.

CRAP.

INSOMNIA
Craig David

I never thought that I'd fall in love, love, love, love
But it grew from a simple crush, crush, crush, crush
Being without you girl, I was all messed up, up, up, up
When you walked out, said that you'd had enough-nough-nough-nough

Been a fool, girl I know
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time, you'll change your mind
Now looking back i wish i could rewind

Because i can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more
Oh i stay up til you're next to me
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Remember telling my boys that I'd never fall in love, love, love, love
You used to think I'd never find a girl I could trust, trust, trust, trust
And then you walked into my life and it was all about us, us, us, us
But now I'm sitting here thinking I messed the whole thing up, up, up, up

Been a fool (fool), girl I know (know)
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time (time), you'll change your mind (mind)
Now looking back i wish i could rewind

Because i can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh i stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before (Because it)
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah (Ah), Feels like insomnia ah ah

Ah, i just can't go to sleep
Cause it feels like I've fallen for you
It's getting way too deep
And i know that it's love because

I can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh i stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

In Memoriam

ALMOST LOVER
A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images..
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me, images..
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images, no...

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do