in between days and underneath my skin

Lackluster

2010-06-08T08:57:00.000+08:00

I feel that I have neglected this blog for too long. Looking back at my really old posts, I feel (and this is entirely my own personal opinion) that I was witty enough and that I had a pretty good sense of humour.

Now, I just feel so angsty.. that I have far too many issues to write anything of interest to anyone --or to myself even. I think I can honestly say that I miss the "old" me -- not that I'd give up any of the "new" me... It's just hard to have transitioned into who I am now and hope to find traces of the person that I had thought myself to be. Does any of this make sense anyway???!

Work is stressful - but that isn't something that's unique to my job. everyone has their own form of stress regardless of what their job description is. I feel the need to inject some passion in my life, to do something that that inspires me and makes me feel crazy-alive. I think I need a career-change or a life-change. I think I think too much and that I don't spend enough time actually thinking.

I'm a lost "grown-up". I've lost the child in me.

I'm in ruins...

2010-05-17T12:48:00.000+08:00

21 Guns
Green Day

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Hello 2010!

2010-01-04T13:54:00.000+08:00

Defying Gravity from Wicked

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And never bring me down!
bring me down!

Facebook is not the culprit

2009-12-23T13:27:00.000+08:00

My blog has long been neglected but I must say that Facebook and the other social networking sites are not the culprit. There have just been too many things that happened in my life and I just never found the energy or the strength to put all my feelings into words.

There are only several days in 2009 left and looking back, I must say that it's been a generally good year.

I became a purple person and on certain occasions morphed into a person I don't recognize.

I was challenged and pushed to my limits but my lightbulb moments pulled me through.

I gained 20 pounds but also reached a level of happiness that I have not felt in such a long time. (yes, the inverse proportion still stands. MoFo!)

I found love but lost my father.

I became more aware of the power of the love of your family but had to learn it the painful way.

I got displaced but also found my 'place' on this earth.

I haven't spoken to Him much but that's always been a work in progress.

I lost a big amount of money but felt abundantly blessed just the same.

I visited new sites and went on fun adventures but at one point felt like I lost my way.

I made new friends and learned to let go of those who weren't real.

I got wasted and wreckaged but saw how much I am loved (thank you dear friends).

I spent more time in the kitchen and applied my Mom's tricks of the trade (got burnt in the process).

I learnt that I still can't let go cos I don't know how to forgive myself.

I discovered that I can forgive and forget.. but not for some things and not for all people.

I became debt-free and indebted all over again. (It's a vicious vicious cycle)

I grew up.

2010 is fast-approaching. Christmas even faster (though I still don't feel the spirit. Bah hambug!) I may not be prepared for the things that are set my way in the coming year but I know that 2009 will leave me prepared for most things. To the choice few who will click on this link, I pray that your year has been (at the very least) as fruitful and colorful as mine and I wish that your 2010 will bring in more blessings and more joy in your life/ lives.

Kampai!

Wait it Out

2009-08-19T15:57:00.000+08:00

Wait It Out

Imogen Heap

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
in the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around;
We're closed to the Earth 'til further notice.
Clambering for the scraps,
clambering in the light.
We're closed to the Earth 'til further...

An all-out one, only one street-level miracle.
I'll be a an out-and-out, born again from none more cynical.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?
Look, you'll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
'round old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should being
in the one life that we've got.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?

Are we just going to wait it out?
Just going to sweat it out?
Just going to sweat it out?
Wait it out.

This is all surreal. It's been a few weeks only and thigns seem to be getting worse and worse. I still can't function right... I feel alone and at odds with the world. There are far too many things to deal with and I don't have a gameplan for any of this.

I. AM. SO. EXHAUSTED.

I want to escape...but to where? What is allowed? What is right? Where do I belong?

I. AM. SO. EXHAUSTED.

Truly Not Asia

2009-03-21T20:03:00.000+08:00

* This post may insult people who live in, have travelled to, enjoyed, love (etc., etc., etc.) Malaysia so if this you're going to take this personnaly. Please quit reading this post now.

I am still at the airport in Malaysia as I write this but I can say with conviction:

It will definitely take an undefiable force of nature for me to return to this hellhole.

I would never ever give-up anything and anyone in Manila to stay in this country or live here. This probably just isn't my day but just the same, I can't help but feel negatively towards this place. Being back at work has been both fulfilling and stressful so this pre-planned trip with C, M and thier friends was definitely something that I welcomed--even if it meant being away from Jimmy and everyone else for an entire week but I can't help but feel that this is the most stressful trip I've ever been on in my entire life.

My bro and the others stayed on to continue to Bangkok tomorrow and I honestly wish them luck. Some of this trips lowlights:

1. We had just come from Singapore so there was a stark contrast from the moment we landed here. The lady at the tourist information help desk was much happier chatting on the phone than to actually go and help the tourists.

2. The smell. You can't miss it. 'Nuff said about that.

3. Never trust internet pictures. I'm sure almost 100% of all 'eyeballs' are always miles different from actual photos which explains the actual state of the hotel we stayed in. Kudos to the photographer though. I'm just thankful the people were nice and always helpful.

4. Their transportation system is a mystery to me. I have no idea how buses and trains work here. It doesn't help that the names are hard to pronounce, the map doesn't quite show everything and people can hardly speak English.

5. No, I am not Japanese or Korean or Malaysian or a mery mix of different nationalities. Pilipino ako! And because I can wear tanktops and not have to walk around wrapped from head-to-toe does not give anyone the right to be all "WOW!!!" and ogle my breasts. NO. THAT IS WRONG. Regardless of the time and place.

6. Because I had some errands to run and because I could not afford to be too far from the hotel we stayed in, I opted to go around the Bintang area to explore. While killing time at the bookstore, someone managed to get a hold of my mobile phone from my pocket. "I curse you and your next of kin. May sickness and death plague your bloodline forever!!!" It was a crappy phone but it worked and just the idea of someone stealig something from me just makes me sick to my stomach.

7. The cabbie brought me to the wrong airport. Good thing he gave me his phone number so my bro could use him to get to the airport tomorrow because he was kind enough to bring me to the right one. You rock Radzi! Thank you for getting me one step closer to home.

That's about 7 of Malaysia's deadly sins committed against me. I have almost an hour to go till i have to get on the plane and quite honestly, I'm so scared that something else is going to happen. The best thing I learned on this trip: MANILA ROCKS AND KICKS SOME SERIOUS ASS! 3 stars and a sun!!!

Manila.. I'm coming home.. :p

Hello, Goodbye

2009-03-10T09:28:00.000+08:00

I realized that it has been ages since I last blogged and obviously there have been a lot of changes that I have gone through in the last few months.

1 - HELLO: I am now a "purple person". It feels good to be back at work but admittedly, I still haven't gotten into the full-swing of things. Who starts work at 8am anyway??!!! To be honest, I think I've only gotten to the office at that time once and I'm not too sure there'll be a second time. It feels like I'm in a totally different planet. The people are cool and forever on-the-go. I worry sometimes how they stay sane and if I'll ever get as busy as them. (my fingers are crossed!)The downside: Lotus notes and timesheets--What the...??!!! Seriously??!!!

2 - Today! HELLO: Jimmy! :) Suffice to say, I'm happy. We're happy. I know that this ride is about to get a lot crazy in the next few months but he makes me feel that it'll be worth it.

3 - HELLO: Indy (for Indigo/ Indiana Jones meaning its main purpose is to go on adventures, formerly known as WarCar) has risen from the ashes and while I totally disagree with Pix and Jimmy, he is not Purple. He's still blue (a really really shiny and pretty blue!) cos my registration says so. Although, Indy is an entirely different creature from WarCar because he seems to have a mind of his own. He gets annoyed at me and literally throws a fit when I don't step on it and when I don't push him to his maximum potential and speed. My life is more at risk now when I drive slow. Just when I was trying to reform my psycho/jeepney driver ways... tsk tsk tsk!

4 - GOODBYE: SB-ness! I am possibly a good 10 pounds heavier than my last blog entry. I guess the SB theory must really hold true. (For those who are not in the know, the Skeeny Beetch Theory states that your skinny-ness is indirectly proportional to your happiness. In short: payatola = miserable ka and juby/fitzz = happiness.) Jimmy and some other people think this is a better look for me though. I still don't believe that men like their women 'meatier'.

5 - HELLO: new family members! GOODBYE: single blessedness! 2 of my best-est friends are getting married this year. G this Friday and Fifi in November. Two of my cousins are also getting married this year - May and November. My bio-clock is going ticktock but obviously, I'm not quite in panic mode just yet. My new hope ring helps a great deal in keeping me from worrying too.

6 - GOODBYE: Cynicism! On a recent trip to Baguio, something in me changed drastically and dramatically. It could've been the 14 hours of rolling but just the same, I am now not as cynical and pessimistic as I used to be. I must've inhaled an insane amount of pixie dust--thanks a lot Pix! Basta ngayon 'steady-bears' lang tayo parati.. :)

7 - GOODBYE: tears! It's all about moving forward. Maybe things are neither forgiven nor forgotten -- because they simply should not be.. but at least I'm definitely in a better place. At the very least, it was character-building and it's good to know that I am no longer 'stupefied'. (We really must share this language with the world Pix!) Wala na raw akong karpatan magmaasim! And to that I say-- NAMAN!!! Hehe ;)

8 - HELLO: Rockband! I actually played for the first time last weekend and it was so much fun. I just wish that we can really get our band together and have our own 'final set' just to get it out of my system.

9 - GOODBYE: color! For some reason, I've been gravitating towards all things gray when I'm out shopping. I feel drab so I will consciously inject color into my daily wardrobe. I not only went colorblind, I also turned into a Stepford-wife! Deargawd! No, I did not become fashionably-retarded but I may have cleaned-up a little I must get some of my "old mojo" back.. just a little bit lest Pix burn me alive on the spot.

10 - HELLO: WORLD! Yes, I'm alive and I am so kickin' it! ;)

Times Like These
Foo Fighters

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I Heart Jimmy

2008-12-16T17:03:00.000+08:00

Meet the new Man in my Life whom I fondly call "Jimmy" (after Bruce Willis' character in The Whole Nine Yards and the sequel "Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski. It's a really long story.. plus it's funny that Demi can be used as the punchline.. Teehee!)

I know it's not the MacBook that I originally wanted but I think this will serve my purpose for now plus I'm just so happy that I don't have to continue going around the metro looking like a Ninja Turtle with my old giant laptop bag-which I have passed on to Chocy.

This is more me - the New Me! Loves it!!! :)

2.0.0.8

2008-12-08T17:55:00.000+08:00

It's a bit too early for a year-end recap but just the same.. Rather than a blow by blow account, I think it would be a helluvalot simpler to say that my year was encapsulated within this:

"It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything."

- Tyler Durn, Fight Club

KAMPAI!!!

Oh.Snap.

2008-11-20T23:28:00.000+08:00

Got this via email from A. Found it so amusing that i just had to repost.

Bob Ong's Philosophy On Love

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakata kot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

Desperately. Need. Sleep.

2008-11-20T22:30:00.000+08:00

I think I may actually be on 'crack' and I'm starting to like it.. Not quite addicted or entirely hooked--maybe NOT YET. I'm not too sure I know how to deal with this. SERIOUSLY.

CRAP.

INSOMNIA
Craig David

I never thought that I'd fall in love, love, love, love
But it grew from a simple crush, crush, crush, crush
Being without you girl, I was all messed up, up, up, up
When you walked out, said that you'd had enough-nough-nough-nough

Been a fool, girl I know
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time, you'll change your mind
Now looking back i wish i could rewind

Because i can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more
Oh i stay up til you're next to me
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Remember telling my boys that I'd never fall in love, love, love, love
You used to think I'd never find a girl I could trust, trust, trust, trust
And then you walked into my life and it was all about us, us, us, us
But now I'm sitting here thinking I messed the whole thing up, up, up, up

Been a fool (fool), girl I know (know)
Didn't expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time (time), you'll change your mind (mind)
Now looking back i wish i could rewind

Because i can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh i stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before (Because it)
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah (Ah), Feels like insomnia ah ah

Ah, i just can't go to sleep
Cause it feels like I've fallen for you
It's getting way too deep
And i know that it's love because

I can't sleep til you're next to me
No i can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh i stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

In Memoriam

2008-11-11T22:52:00.000+08:00

ALMOST LOVER
A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images..
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me, images..
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images, no...

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Lucky 9

2008-08-13T14:47:00.000+08:00

It's been the roughest and toughest number to hit, when everything at every second seems to be on the brink .. but we made it just the same..

On The Side of Me

Corrinne May

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
On the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
But you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
On the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me

Wouldn't It Be Nice to Just...

2008-07-29T17:08:00.000+08:00

TELL HIM
Lauryn Hill/ Colbie Caillat

Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I'll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he's all that I got and
Tell him...

Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him (tell him)
And it'll be alright
Telll him it'll be alright, it'll be alright

Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothin' at all
If I can give away everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I'm imperfect
And not without sin
But now that I'm older all childish things end
And tell him...

Tell him I need him (yeah)
Tell him I love him (tell him)
And it'll be alright

I'll never be jealous
And I won't be too kind
Cause love is not boastful
Oh and love is not loud
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
Everything's gonna be alright

Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on Earth
But if I speak wrong then what is it worth?
See what we now know is nothing compared
to the love that was shown when our lives were spared
and tell him...

Tick Tock Says the Clock...

2008-07-29T16:55:00.000+08:00

BROKEN
Lifehouse

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating In the pain
There is healing In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart T
hat's still beating In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on) (I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin') Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

Falling Into Gravity

2008-07-28T16:40:00.000+08:00

*Thanks Katters for sharing this with the multiply-universe.. I just had to re-post it for reasons that I would rather not disclose.. It just speaks to me in ways "Sleeps with Butterflies" did and does..

Sara Bareilles - Gravity lyricsSomething always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. CHORUS Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone. CHORUS Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. I live here on my knees as I Try to make you see that you're Everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I Can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me downYou're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeahYou're onto me, onto me and all overSomething always brings me back to youIt never takes too longSong lyrics | Gravity lyrics

Dot Dot Dot

2008-06-25T17:35:00.000+08:00

I.
Think.
I.
Might.
Actually.
Be.
Going.
Insane.

Please.
Stop.
The.
Madness.

Numbers

2008-05-28T15:49:00.000+08:00

1 + 2 Big Guns in town
1 Big Fight
700,000 reasons to worry = 30,000,000 teardrops & beads of sweat
3 Terrorists + 3 Counter-terrorists ready for battle. This is for Sparta!!!
32 Days (and counting.. OH. DEAR. GAWD.)
270++ other days on mind...
52 hours till the weekend
150 minutes till I can grab a bottle
1 major headache = 2 pills for sanity

Granny Goose

2008-05-16T06:58:00.000+08:00

For the first time in ages, I actually had time to sit down and have breakfast before going to work. I was halfway through breakfast and going through our preso when my Lola came down to eat. I had the O-D-D-E-S-T conversation with her.

Lola: How old will you be in October?
Me: 28
Lola: 28? So kelan ka mag-aasawa?
Me: Ha??? Hindi ko pa talaga iniisip yun Lola.
Lola: Good good. Dapat mga pag-30 ka nalang ikasal.

(This is odd because in past conversations, she wanted me to go and get married so I could give her great-grandchildren! Tapos ngayon... weird!)

Lola: You don't drive your car to work ba? Bakit lagi nanjan sa garage?
Me: Lola, I drive to work. Coding lang ako yesterday kaya I didn't bring my car.

(Bet you she only saw my car yesterday = LAGI/ PARATI ko iniiwan!!! Ayus!)

Me: Excuse me, Lola. I have to leave for work already. (as I get up from my seat)
Lola: 'Family given nickname' (which I refuse to disclose, especially not in cyberspace!), ano yang damit mo? Psychedelic yan diba?
Me: (eyes as big as saucers) Ha??!! Yes Lola, my dress is psychedelic.

(Wow, GROOVY!!!)

*** *** ***

In other news, I got this message from my Mum this morning:

"Am trying Globe's Tracker service. They might text you to ask for your permission to be tracked."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghht!!! YUN LANG!

Floating By

2008-05-08T08:31:00.000+08:00

Exactly a year ago, I posted this on my blog. At that time, I felt the need to let go and to give up on something/ of someone that my heart knew to be mine. I can't say that was the smartest decision I made of all time or if I managed to actually follow-through on that but at that time, I felt that it was something that I had to do in order to preserve myself.

One year later, with everything that I've gone through, I now find myself hanging on to something/ someone that is actually mine and that I feel is right. My life has just turned 180 and I'm dreading the day it goes a full 360. I don't think I'm capable of being in that same position anytime soon.

I've been excessively horMy (read: hormonal) the past few days and while I know that I didn't have much reason to, I just felt really lonely. Lucky for me, H has been very patient with me and has been extra loving. Today I woke up feeling a lot better but somehow, I wouldn't be too surprised if this turns out to be another lackluster day. I need to ignite my passion for something, anything. I feel so dead. I need to recharge so I can focus on the things that I have to accomplish.

I need to just breathe...

Happy H Day!!! ;)

2008-04-28T17:17:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to my absolute favorite person in the whole world! Love, love, love and more love today and the rest of our days! :D

A Sign of the Times

2008-04-26T10:57:00.001+08:00

A few weeks back, my most favorite pair of flipflops met its untimely demise. I had just gotten home, I was about to step out of the car when the strap just snapped. Weird! I didn't know that it was possible to destroy a pair of havaianas. I always thought that these were borderline invincible --this pair in particular cos I've been toting this to anywhere and everywhere. This is my most used pair and this specifically has a lot of history and sentimental value.. but then again, recent events have lead me to believe that I may very well be mistaken and that what I gave value to may not deserve that kind of appraisal. I always think that it's better to be quiet or uninvolved rather than to throw a Tupperware party. Or when it's unavoidable, try not to be so transparent when your face is in plain view of other people who actually care. It's insulting really but at least I know better than to hold on to something that was never there in the first place.

I've been painfully reminded that ghosts will always be ghosts and when you least expect it, they'll come back to haunt you. The past few weeks with last night's culminating activity has got me desperately begging for an exorcism. Just when I think things are okay, they all come out one by one and bite me in the ass. It's exhausting really. I just wanna lie in bed and forget about everything. If this keeps up, I don't know how long I'll last.

Missed It! Again!!!

2008-04-10T13:37:00.000+08:00

I missed my blog-nniversary yet again! Dammmmnit!!!

I've been blogging for three years now and I can hardly believe the changes that I have undergone since then. I've ranted and raved about a million and one things and I know that with everything that is going on in my life, I have a million and one more things to talk about. My only wish is that I can get my had screwed on more tightly so I can write more coherently! Hehehe :D

It's Confirmed

2008-04-02T11:39:00.000+08:00

Things here at the Machineshop really happen at warp speed. In 4 hours, I will find myself on board an airplane that will take me to the NMHQ in BKK (that would've been a mouhful, really!) I'm excited and petrified at the same time.. but as with all new adventures--it'll be character building. Thundercats are GOoooo!!! :p

H.A.N.E.P.

2008-03-28T13:53:00.000+08:00

UN-frikkin-BELIEVABLE.

Ang buhay nga naman.. Kung totoo yung "when it rains, it pours..", signal number 20 na ata sa aking munting planeta. Nakanaman! Tenks Gad lang talaga! Hehehe

First Day Funk!

2008-03-17T14:50:00.000+08:00

So there.. I survived my first day of "school"! I have yet to figure out what term of endearment best fits my new 'Pancitan'. It's all very exciting and all new to me. To be honest, I'm partly scared because of all the new responsibilites that I have to handle but I feel challenged just the same. The office feels light and comfy and the people are just great really.

Let's wait and see how the rest of this story unfolds.. ;)

Last Order Please

2008-02-26T19:12:00.000+08:00

WTF EP/ PD at Stylist Kuning-Kuning/ Waitress Extraordinaire sa Pancitan
02 May 2005 - 29 February 2008

What a journey it has been! Day 1 palang ng aking imposed terminal leave, parang di ko na alam gagawin ko.. Di ko alam paano uubusin ang oras ko sa ibang paraan maliban sa pagtambay sa Pancitan, sa pakikipagkulitan at baklaan sa mga vakys sa office, etc.etc.etc...

Sobrang bilis ng mga pangyayari. Nakakabaliw. Choice ko to pero ANG. SAKIT. P*tah.

Before I knew it, I was already saying goodbye to the people whom I spent the last few years with.. to people I saw and shared life with more than my own family and friends.. to a place that molded me into the person I've become.. to a crazy beautiful adventure that I will never ever forget..

Merong nag-request. Wag na daw ako sumulat at bakalain ko nalang sya. Palagay ko naman ay matagal-tagal bago nya ito mabasa (kung basahin man niya) at dahil likas akong emotera, wala nalang pakialamanan. Pwede nyo naman ilipat ang pahina kung ayaw nyo makita ang pagka-Kokak ko! :p

1. Maraming salamat Ama, sobrang dami kong natutunan mula sayo. I will always remember the opportunities that you gave me. No one in their right mind would've taken a chance on me the way you did but I'm glad that you trusted me enough with the responsibilities that you gave me. I know I would be far from the person I am now had you not allowed me to face all those challenges head-on. Mahal ko kayo. Alam nyo na di ko sinasadya gawin ito ngayon at di ko kahit kailan gugustuhin na masaktan kayo. Ganun nalang ang respeto ko sa inyo. Sana tandaan nyo yan.

2. V! My ZIz! You know that I you are one of the good things that I leave the Pancitan WITH. I know that the friendship and bond that we have formed goes well beyond the walls of the Pancitan. I will see most definitely see you on the outside.

3. Tagteam Partner. You can't imagine how difficult this is for me. I don't know how to make you understand all these things with so much going on in your life. I always thought that "you & me" were more similar than anyone else in the Pancitan so it was but natural for us to gravitate towards each other. I also thought that what we've shared in the past years would transcend any 'goodbyes' that we might have to say. You may have just proven me wrong. I hope that you'll wake up one day and find a need for me and my friendship again. Call me. You know that I'll always answer.

4. Mga Vaks at Veks. Sa lahat ng mga vakleurs na nakilala ko sa Pancitan (NettyVeky, Bebeh, Denggy, Hersh, JenPan, Chay-R, Sis Mars, etc.) Makulay ang buhay ko dahil sa inyo. Laughing is living. Salamat.

5. Hengot - our road has been a bumpy one. Maybe we'll have a better shot at it with me on the outside. Just breathe.

6. Sa iba pang mga "karakter" (I say this fondly of course) sa Pancitan, maraming salamat sa pakikitungo nyo sa akin, sa tulong ninyo, sa pag-unawa at sa lahat-lahat. Ma-mmiss ko kayo, mga shooting, mga laughtrip, yosi break, foodtrip at marami pang iba.

7. To the people in this industry and beyond that I've worked with in the past few years, ang galing ninyong lahat! There wasn't a single shoot day that I didn't learn something from you. I will carry this with me in the next "(advertising) life".

8. H, I would never have met you if not for the Pancitan and I would have to go through the rest of my life incomplete. Thank you for being my emotional punching bag and my cushion as I go through this transtion. Thank you for your patience and seemingly endless love. I'm lucky to be loved by you.

Soon I will embark on a new adventure, start a new chapter in my life. I'm scared and I'm anxious but I'm pretty sure it'll be one hell of a ride.

Wish me luck! ;)

*** *** ***

JOURNEY TO THE PAST
Aaliyah

Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me,
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear
Or how the road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I am trusting you
On this journey to the past...

Somewhere down this road,
I know someone's waiting
Years of dreams just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide,
I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong
Well starting here my life begins
Starting now I'm learning fast
Courage see me through
Heart i am trusting you
On this journey to the past

Heart don't fail me now (no)
Courage don't desert me.

Home, love, family; there was once a time I must have had them too
Home, love, family; I will never be complete until I find you

One step at a time
One hope then another
Who knows where this road may go?
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past
Courage see me through
Heart I am trusting you
To bring me home
At last

That's it Pancit!

2008-02-19T06:13:00.000+08:00

Good Gawd.

So there. I went and did it. I didn't think I could and ever would but I went and did it.

I just wonder what'll happen next...

For Lack of A Sense of Purpose

2008-01-31T13:29:00.000+08:00

Bored out of my skull. I should be working but...

Stole this from LR! Thanks Hanehbunch! :9

*** *** ***

Name 25 people you can think of right off the top of your head. Don’t read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 25 people. This is a lot funnier if you actually randomly list the names first.

1. H
2. Vaky
3. Veky
4. Jammy
5. Fifi
6. Jojo
7. Leona
8. Leandro
9. Sis Mariel
10. Tagteam Partner
11. Bebeh
12. Mylabs
13. Boppers
14. HeyBro
15. Matteo
16. Lancey
17. Kurly
18. G-girl
19. Abu
20. Bro
21. Kapatid
22. Toppers
23. Mareng Dinny
24. Papa Ken
25. Carina

how did you meet #3?
Si Veky ang Reyna ng Pancitan! (hehehe)

what would you do if #4 and #5 were going out?
Jammy and Fifi - The 3 of us made a pact to NEVER EVER join that team. We've just been through too much together

what do you know about #6?
Jojo - is in the States, working his ass off and spending that money on them Hoes! Joooke! :9

what do you think of #8?
Leandro is addicted to red bull!

what would you do if #7 confessed that he/she loves you?
Leona - Wag po Ate!!! Hehehe :)

a fact about #21?
Kapatid - He's got my back, I just gotta holla'! Mahal ako nyan, mahal ko din sya.

who's going out with #1
ME!!! :D

what's #9 do for a living?
Sis Mariel - Aliping Sagigilid like me.. Hehehe.. Pero sya may condo, ako wala! :9

what do you like about #22?
Toppers - She has smurfs for friends cos she's funny like that! Hahaha ;)

do you miss #24?
Papa Ken - I miss our W Club meetings! :)

what's your opinion of #10?
Tagteam Partner - KrungKrung yan paminsan pero mahal ko yan. She gives me a different perspective on things. Have you seen our childhood??!! ;)

what do you think of #23?
Mareng Doc Dinny - She's gonna rock the medical world! We've been through so much together. I just know whatever happens, we'll always have each other (in the non-lessie way of course).

what would you do if #11 and #20 were going out?
Bebeh & Bro - Hmmm.. pwede kasi cute tingnan pero may mga mag-aamok..

who does #2 like?
Vaky - Hmmmm... ang dami! Puro pang hi-class! Hahaha :D

would you ever go to the movies with #9?
Sis Mariel - Wala pa kaming natutuloy na lakad! Anobuzz??!!

is #4 hot?
Jammy - Damn straight!!!

what can you say about #19?
Abu - Definitely one of the most creative people I know. Infinite possibilities Luv!

does #18 know #16?
G-girl and Lancey - Yep. We move in small circles.

will #17 and #15 work out as lovers?
Kurly and Matteo - Kurly would geet the chair, altthough Matteo would love this! :9

is #12 friendly?
Mylabs - Naman! Best PM ever! :D

are you close to #2?
Vaky - Bluetooth Zizter

ever dated #14?
HeyBro - That would be incest even if he's actually an in-law!

is #15 a good friend of yours?
Matteo - is my baby boy! :)

what would you say to #1?
H - You know you love me. XOXO. :D

what would you like to say to #4?
Jammy - I muss you! I miss you! I miss you! Where are you??!!

ever had a fight with #11?
H - Yeah.. but it's all good. He's my sunshine! :D

describe #17
Kurly - is the curliest Chica Picante. She's "In Love" too.. :D

what if #11 and #15 dated?
Bebeh and Matteo - Silya Elektrika! Sa height lang pwede.. Hahaha :D

would #16 and #19 make a good couple?
Lancey and Abu - I don't really see this happening.. even in a parallel universe..;)

is #14 a good kisser?
HeyBro - I'm gonna have to confirm with Boppers but so far, the reviews have been great! Hahaha :D

who does #3 love?
Veky - Ang mga Bakal Boys at Kakrongers (represent y'all! ) Hehehe :D

if #4 were to go out with #9, would #5 get mad?
Jammy and Sis Mariel + Fifi - Ummm, no judgement..???

was #20 ever with someone from your list of names above?
Bro - Hmmm.. kaya sya naging Bro.. :p

who does #25 like?
Car - loves Gar! :D

is #24 nice?
Papa Ken - Yep, he's a sweetheart! :)

is #13 weird?
Boppers - is sugar and spice and everything nice! Hehehe :D

Quick Fix

2008-01-18T11:31:00.000+08:00

I was introduced by my Uncle to a new remedy for the common cough and colds--> Vicks vaporub! I know it's really an "old school" remedy but he had me place it before bedtime on the soles of my feet, right before I cover them with socks. I woke up this morning feeling better and surprisingly, without wanting to break into a coughing fit. Try it for yourselves!

(Hmmm.. I wonder if this is a sign for me to take up smoking again.. It's only been 1 day!!! Ugh!!!)

*** *** ***
In the middle of our very first (and hopefully last) semi-heated argument, N/H stopped me dead in my tracks last night with this question: "Ano bang pinaka-importante sayo ngayon?".
It placed things in the 'right' perspective.
He reminded me that we should process our thoughts, words and actions beforehand...
That we should choose our battles...
That my past-while it affects my/our present- is exactly what it is: in the past and I should l learn to let those hurts go...
That we shouldn't let the little things affect our relationship that way...
That he understands and he knows that I understand him as well...
That he loves me and he would never hurt me...
That I am the most important thing/person to him now...
That loving me is what matters most to him...
That I may not be 100% but that's okay..

It was one of those lightbulb moments that I think will change the way I look at our relationship and all my other relationships from here on end. Last night could've gone worse in so many ways but it didn't because he doesn't have as much pride as I do and because he knows what's important to him. He may not really know how to handle me exactly but he's learning and he's teaching me a few lessons along the way. I'm loving this journey with him.. :)

*** *** ***
NO ONE
Alicia Keys

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I dont worry cause
Everythings gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I dont worry cause
Everythings gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try
Try to divide
Something so real
So till the end of time
I'm telling you that

On Hiatus

2008-01-16T14:20:00.000+08:00

I just smoked my last cigarette. CRAP!

I am not a quitter (funny how this line can be applied this way, hehehe) so I won't go and say that I just quit smoking but I will say that I'm going to TRY to not smoke for awhile-- especially since I haven't stopped coughing since last week. I am, however, free to take up smoking whenever the need arises or when I feel that I just really want one, expecting no judgement from anyone and everyone.

Wish me luck! :p

two

2008-01-15T15:27:00.000+08:00

N/H and I had a fab and kitschy dinner at Fat Michael's last night. I felt like I was in a Shabby Chic segment which is a good thing really beacuse the place provided just the right atmosphere for us, especially considering we both had crazy days at our separate Pancitans.

We arrived just on time--which was a wee bit earlier than our 9pm reservation--so we didn't have to wait as long as I thought we would because they got to our order as soon as we placed it. We feasted on yummy seafood and kesong puti pizza, aligue pasta, beef salpicao, a bottle of Merlot and capped our meal with choco coffee cake (super rich and absolutely divine!). I've actually been meaning to try this place out for a couple of years but I guess I just never got around to it. I've been constantly building a list of food finds that I want to check out over the years. It's nice that N/H and I actually still have a lot of "firsts" to experience together given our individual histories. He might argue but I must say that this trumps our Paseo Uno dinner. Good thing for him, he has V-day to top this little production. Hehehe :)

*** *** ***
Things here at the Pancitan are... I dunno really. I feel like I'm at a loss for words but I manage to get through each and evry day. We manage. Thank goodness for the AutoVaksters whom I rely on dearly for sanity here and for the Partner/s who come through for you in their own little way and who can reach out to you subtly, putting aside differneces you may have had in the past... It's complicated but not really. I wish I had a real concrete tangible solution.. Wish wish wish..

*** *** ***
While there are things that are topsy-turvy, I'm still in a relatively good disposition. I credit a whole lot of this to my family (main plus my Kapatids, etc.) and N/H of course. You're my happy pills! XOXO!!! :*

BUBBLY
Colby Caillat

I've been awake for a while now
You got me feeling like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

What am I going to say
When you make me feel this way
I just mmmmm

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

And it starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
'cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever wherever wherever you go
Wherever wherever wherever you go
Wherever you go
I always know
'Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while

Of Witches and Warlocks

2008-01-08T07:06:00.000+08:00

We had a rather interesting New Year celebration at my Mum's house last week. I don't quite know how the conversattion went that way but it was cool but at the same time pretty freaky considering it was the first time my other cousins opened up about what was going on in their lives.

After a friendly visit from the family's resident psychic Angel over the weekend, we soon discovered that our clan is somewhat like Hogwarts-in-the making. We have psychics, healers, pre-cogs, elementals, spirit-guides and the like in our family. We even had eerie images of our "friends/neighbors" who joined us on our "holiday getaway" in Tagaytay during Christmas. It was a hardcore party--except we weren't exactly aware of it until last weekend. I am (sadly, i think) one of the more normal ones -- a Muggle or a borderline Mudblood maybe but I suppose I should consider myself lucky. Life can be so much more complicated when you have these violators to change your decision-making process. I have enough on my plate --Thank You Very Much! Hahaha :D

Aside from our "Wiizarding" crash-course, Angel gave us our usual readings and the answers to a lot of our questons. It's scary and unnerving to hear some of the things that she had to say but we are reminded that these are mere guidelines. Anything and everything can change depending on the decisions and actions that we make in the coming days, weeks.. I suppose we just need to make a more conscious effort to avoid things that could lead to the fulfillment of her "bad" readings (and to do everything to draw in and attract the good vibes! Hehe)

Do you see what I see??!!! ;)

Highlights

2007-12-20T07:02:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile since I sat down and gathered my thoughts. The past couple of months have been quite a blur. A lot of things happened, some of which I had no control over. Others, happened on my own accord and with my consent. Still, others happened because they were really meant to happen.

It's a bit too early for a year-ender post but I doubt I'll have time to make one in the next few days. As with most of the years I've lived on this lonely planet, 2007 was yet another rollercoaster ride for me. It's been a trying but colorful year with different people joining me on this ride. N and I have a new "tradition" of sorts which we call Highlights. It's simple really.. We just sit and talk about that moment (or moments) in our day that struck us the most--whether good or bad. So far it's been mostly good.. :)

These are my 2007 Highlights:

January
- The Pancitan took on one of its biggest projects. The challenges and problems just kept on coming, constantly adding to my seemingly infinite stress level and my very painful acid reflux. I met so many new people and made almost instant bonds with them. Some of which are friends that I still keep to this day.. and then there's N - whom I want to keep far longer than I ever imagined..
- I managed to tie-up loose ends with The Dog J and vowed never to be as stupid as that again.

February
- "Believe in the Power of the Potpot"
- The Angels flew to Boracay for a few days of fun in the sun and more importantly, to attend J and R's wedding. Sure a handful of us pushed our alcohok intake to the limit but it was well worth it. We have a gazillion pictures as proof.
- Kwentuhang Kalsada took my friendship with N to a whole new level. The discomfort of sitting on the pavement wasn't as bothersome when paired with heartfelt conversation and good company.

March
- The Journey continued with my Sister Mars B. After months of being "broken up", we made our way back to where we should've been and suddenly things seemed like they were finally falling into place. Having her around makes me feel that everything's really gonna be alright.

April
- The Wednesday Club was born. Although I don't get to spend as much time as before with these people, everyone still seems to remember those days and we still party as heartily when we do get the chance to hang out.
- It was a looooong but rather exciting month for me and Ziz P. I think maybe this was when we bonded the most after the Boracay Adventure. We have our phone bills to prove it what with our conspiracy theories and marathon text-sessions.. Hehehe. ;)

May
- My Lolo passed away. It was a sad and trying time for the family but at the same time, it also brought all of us closer together
- This was a CB- Madness month that was made-up of dinners, movies, nights-out, online conversations and musings and drunken escapades.
- Just Add H20 was born (although at that time, we didn't have a name yet and we weren't seriously going to pursue doing band again.)

June
- The WTFs projects were born at the Pancitan. It was daunting really but we pulled through and we came up with a really good material. Sadly, it didn't make it to free TV
- Got pretty smashed for a good part of this month in an attempt to cure or at least dull the pain of what I thought to be a broken heart. I was mourning the loss of my 'best friend' N.
- W Club wasn't too active but the Breakfast Club with my Kapatids B and Myx was born.

I wanted to finish my highlights for the rest of the year but that task proves to be harder than it seems. There are so many stories to tell about July until definitely the last few days of this year but I don't think I'm capable of putting those thoughts into words just yet. I feel like I was surfing on tsunami-sized waves of emotions in the past few months: I laughed heartily and I also cried like there was no tomorrow. Most of the time--if not all-- I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. I was simply trying hard to keep up with the motion of the ocean but I don't think I was too succesful at that.

If anyone comes up to me now and asked me if I was happy, I would say "Yes" but I know there's still a part of me that's missing, that's not completely healed, that's not fixed,, that remains broken. I'm dealing with what I can now because that's all I can do.

In case I don't find the guts or the energy to blog again--especially about the 2nd half of this year..

Merry Christmas my dear friends and may the New Year be highlight-filled for you and your loved ones. Cheers!

Anak ng...

2007-10-23T07:17:00.000+08:00

ANOBUZZ??!!! Yun lang!!!

Big Brother House

2007-10-19T11:21:00.000+08:00

In a few hours I will be entering my very own Bahay ni Kuya (Jess). I still can't believe that they actually elected me to stand as Vice-rector for this special batch. I may just be putting too much weight on this "role" or I'm probably just deluding myself into thinking that this "title" bears a lot of responsibility.

The bottomline is.. I'm scared.. Sh*tless really. I don't think I deserve to be in His house (among other things I feel I don't deserve), much less tend to His "flock". Kel and Mhadz have been great. They haven't given me too many things to do so I can't help but feel somewhat worthless. I doubt I've been of much help to them but they wouldn't let me beg off either. Ugh! I just hope that things work out the way they're supposed to and all the things that we need will be covered somehow.

What scares me most I think is the fact that I haven't spoken to Him in awhile. I'd say "Hi.." sometimes but I've been nowhere as near as I will be when Days starts. He obviously knows that I need Him now more than ever. I pray that I come out of the house on Sunday with some semblance of clarity, with a real purpose, with a more definite direction, with a decision/ an honest choice and with the strength to (re-) live my fourth day the way I should've been living it. Good luck nalang talaga!

Flying Away

2007-10-15T12:22:00.000+08:00

There are days when I just want to fly away and vanish from the face of this earth.. This is one of those days..

This has always been "my song".. especially on the rare occasions that I am able to get up in front of a crowd to sing.. I'm singing now, even if only in my daydreams..

How Do I Breathe?

2007-10-11T14:33:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought the universe has finally stopped conspiring against me, I managed to yet again turn what would've been a simple, quiet and normal life upside-down. Do these things happen to other people as well or am I really unlucky this way??!!! I honestly can't keep on doing this.. I can only survive so much... My stupidity might be the death of me...

Cinderella

2007-10-05T14:07:00.000+08:00

Pag-patak ng alas dose, dalawampu't pitong taon na akong naninirihan sa mundong ibabaw. Parang ayoko na ata.. P@ksh*t!!!

*Nakakapanibago man ang pag-gamit ko ng Tagalog, pakiramdam ko lang na tanging sa ganitong paraan ko lang tunay na maipahihiwatig ang aking saloobin at nararamdaman sa kasalukuyan..
*Para kay Tagteam partner: Tinuturan din kami managalog sa Poveda, pramis! Hehehe :)

A Change is Gonna Come

2007-10-03T15:58:00.000+08:00

I just watched the pilot episode of Grey's Anatomy Season 4.. WTF??!!! Seriously!!!

I'm not gonna launch into a play by play lest I ruin it for other people but I just love/hate how uncannily real this show feels sometimes. Change is always inevitable. Some people are just better equipped to deal with them, others are better at faking it. Me... I think I'm just "fine"...

Waiting for the Tooth Fairy

2007-10-02T11:46:00.000+08:00

After months and months of putting it off, I finally went to see the dentist yesterday and as expected, I needed to have a tooth extracted. Actually, I need to have 5 more extracted but I'm going to schedule the trauma from that experience at a time when I'm more emotionally prepared. Kudos to my new dentist cos it didn't hurt much. I'm just in a really foul mood now because my gum's bleeding still and I've been hungry for 2 days!!! I stupidly put off breakfast and lunch before seeing the dentist and obviously, I couldn't eat anything after the extraction so you can just imagine how HUNGRY I am! I never thought that having to eat ice cream would ever make me sad. It's really depressing.. This is so NOT the perfect remedy for the birthday blues.. :-(

Oddly so, I managed to ge a smoke in before heading up to the dentist's office. (Yes, my priorities are warped-- OBVIOUSLY!!!) I was standing in front of the chapel but I could no for the life of me bring myself to just go inside and talk to Him. It's been awhile.. I sucked on my 'last cigarette' watching people go in and out of the chapel, with no hesitations, no second thoughts. I wonder how faith seems so easy, so natural for them and why it seems so hard for me..

I'm probably not making any real sense.. Hunger makes the mind go wilder! Somebody help me! :-(

Floating To Outer Space

2007-09-27T15:37:00.000+08:00

I've been quite preoccupied lately. There are so many things going through my head but the bottomline remains the same-- I feel unhappy. Okay, that might be pushing it.. I'm obviously wary of angering the Almighty One by sounding like an ungrateful little b*tch. I'm maybe discontented. I have so much more than most people have but there's a sense of emptiness still. There's a void that remains unfilled and I'm not too sure how to make myself complete. I feel sad but I can't explain why or how I got to this point.

This might just be another case of the Birthday Blues with my 27th looming near. I wish I could chalk it up to just hormones but a part of me feels there's more to it than that. Nearly 3 decades on this planet and I haven't done anything that would make me feel a sense of fulfillment. I am nothing but a spec of dust occupying a miniscule corner of this lonely planet. I still don't know what it is that I want to do with my life and I don't know when I'll figure it out. It's just so frustrating..

*** *** ***
Gravity
John Mayer

Gravity
Is working against me
And gravity
Wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know
What makes this man
With all the love
That his heart can stand
Dream of ways
To throw it all away

Oh Gravity
Is working against me
And gravity
Wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much
Ain’t twice as good
And can't sustain
Like one half could
It's wanting more
It's gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity
Stay the hell away from me
Oh gravity
Has taken better men than me
Now how can that be?

Just keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where the light is
C’mon keep me where keep me where the light is

I'm a Princess..

2007-09-03T11:16:00.000+08:00

Someone sent me this quote via SMS. I haven't quite figured out if this comes at a good or bad time.

"As we mature, we all have to make this transition. We all have to let go of some of our fairytale expectations for love and learn to embrace a kind of love that can survive a few hard winters. Love that has been tested is far more inspiring than love that has never known anything but bliss. Don't look for a partner with whom you have no problems with, but rather one you are good at overcoming problems with."

I think I still want and need the fairytale..

What Am I Supposed To Do Now??!

2007-08-31T14:29:00.000+08:00

I think that maybe I still don't know what to do and where to go from here... I'm winging things and "following the motion of the ocean". That's not exactly a bad thing. There's some good in feeling your way through things so bumps and bruises don't come too unexpectedly..

Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now
Joss Stone

You don't have to make your mind up
I just wanna take my time with you
If that's alright
It's alright, it's alright
Oh forgive me if I get to shy but
Maybe you're the reason why
I'm feelin' butterflies
I feel it too
Somethin' bout the look in your eyes
Oooh it just makes me feel so right

Well you're my boy
You're my joy
You're my dream
I'm for you
I adore your everything that I need
I love how you love me
If I'm made for you
You're made for me
It's too good to be
So tell me what we're gonna do now

Funny how my world keeps spinnin'
Sometimes you can be so silly
You know just how to make me laugh
You're skin is so lovely
When you touch me
I know that you got my back
Sure do, yes I do
I feel so safe when you hold me
It's like you know me

Oh right now
See baby I love how you make me smile
Don't leave
Please stay awhile
Let's make this happen
I don't care how

Right now lets stay in the present
Can't worry bout tomorrow cause today is a blessin'
The world in a state of aggression
I find calm in you
I see my mom in you
It's like a feelin' in ya stomach
When you want it so bad
If you keep keepin' it fresh
It ain't gonna go bad
I been through the valley of love
Rolled the shores of cali
Just to find peace of mind
Lookin' to the sky
Askin' for at least a sign
Beautiful you came at such a decent time
When we combine
It's like good food and wine
Flavorful yet refined
You remind me of the divine
So easy
Love can be lost and then found, like Stevie
I just love havin' you around
You wearin' a gown
I'm wearin' a crown
Pound for pound
We the freshest couple in town

POTPOT POTPOT

2007-08-21T05:21:00.000+08:00

I never would've thunk that Raoul actually had IT right at that time... And so here I am.. I might actually be equipped for happiness after all.. :9

Jumpstart

2007-08-10T14:58:00.000+08:00

I'm very gingerly feeling my way through this post because I have yet to organize my thoughts, compartmentalize them, somewhat analyze the recent events and then I have to breathe! I need sleep, real rest, oxygen and more importantly, I need to sober up-- I'm not sure I have anything other alcohol running through my veins. WTF am I doing with my life??!! Seriously!!!

I feel so lost and somewhat confused. It's so hard to be placed in a position where decisions have to be made--not necessarily personal ones but you just know that either way the wind blows, there are repercussions that will greatly affect your life. Some in a good way, others in a maybe not-so-good way but you have to sit through the ride anyway. I'm just so goddamn tired of roller coasters! Why am I never placed on that placid swan ride where you pedal across the lake at your own pace? I'm sick of having my insides tied-up in knots, ready to burst out in the open.. Where's the love?!! Ugh!!

*** *** ***

Chay-R shared with me one of her fave movies of all time-- the Freddie Prinze and Claire Forlani starrer Boys and Girls. I doubt this ever joined the ranks of cult films like Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, etc.. but I suppose it's hard-hitting enough to jolt me back into writing. Weird. Really.

Some of the more memorable quotes from the film:

Jennifer: Everybody's been in love but how come we don't know that it's true love 'till it's over? Maybe there's no one or two or three or four or even five. Maybe there is no such thing as true love. And we just keep on dressing up, we keep pretending to be something that we're not. We lose ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think we are. What if the something that we're looking for just doesn't exist?

*** *** ***

Ryan: Look, that night was as much a surprise to me as it was to you. But being with you was like going to a place that I had never been before. And after you fell asleep I just laid there, staring up at those cheap fluorescent stars you have stuck on your ceiling, and - after awhile they just started forming a pattern, this weird glow-in-the-dark pattern that linked together our entire relationship. And for the first time everything seemed clear to me - like one logical progression. It felt like you and I were the greatest plan ever made and I had nothing to do with it. Being with you made me feel that maybe I didn't have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn't have to work so hard at being happy. That it just could happen. Nothing will ever hurt me as much as your reaction to that same experience.

*** *** ***

I also managed to watch the movie Serendipity again. That is one GOOD movie. SOLID hard-hitting material with a kick-ass soundtrack. I believe that in this lifetime, we'll only get to experience maybe 1 or 2 of these fortunate incidents, if at all. More often than not, these incidents catch you completely off-guard and cause you to rethink everything that you thought you believed in. It challenges your EQ and your ability to deal with the unexpected. I'm overwhelmed and amazed by these "serendipitous" moments. I even managed to surprise myself... I feel different, like I'm learning yet another facet of my psyche that I wasn't aware of. Cool but scary at the same time. I should have my screws tightened lest I do something stupid.. (again).

*** *** ***
I'm pretty sure I posted this already before, but what the hell??!! This is my safe haven and my dumping ground for all the emo-stress I'm carrying...

Northern Sky
Nick Drake

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

I've been a long time that I'm waiting
Been a long that I'm blown
I've been a long time that I've wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind's eye.
Would you love me for my money
Would you love me for my head
Would you love me through the winter
Would you love me 'til I'm dead
Oh, if you would and you could
Come blow your horn on high.

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

Stumped!!!

2007-08-01T15:13:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged in such a loooong time. I feel that I have somehow lost the ability to organize my messy thoughts into a seemingly organized post.. I just find it so weird and mildly disturbing that I can't freakin' write when this has always been one of my best outlets.. especially now when there are so many things going on. It's so frustrating! Ugh!

*** *** ***
When all else fails, I post a 'theme song'.. not mine necessarily but just a 'theme song'.. :p

BAD HABIT
Destiny's Child

How many times
Are you gonna apologize about the same thing
And how many times can I take you back
When I'm not the one that's doin' wrong
(When I'm not the one that's doin' wrong, yeah)
I thought maybe if I started prayin'
That we would get better, but
When I would pray the answer would always come back to me bein' done
But we are so hard headed when we're in love
So I

I told myself that I would make some changes
But the more I change there's one thing that remains the same
I can't seem to shake ya
You seem to really have a hold on me
And everytime that we break up
We turn around and make up
This can't go on now
I gotta move on now
It's not the fact that I don't love you no more
But I gotta break this bad habit
Can't take his bad habit no more

I'm totally out of my element
Learnin' new ways to live, while your in a comfort zone
Not even thinkin, (you couldn't think about me) to call
And then when I get mad you buy me gifts
Thinkin' it's gonna solve every issue
From the girl callin my phone, to the pictures that I saw
And every time you would break up with me for nothing at all
I've takin all I could take (I've takin all I could take)
But the way I live has gotta change, oh

Let me break it down
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you was just to blind to see
Past, all of the pain they was causin' you
Ladies do you feel me (do you feel me)
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you went against the right things that you should do
Then it's time to make a change
So I

Lucky You! Lucky Me!

2007-07-04T04:14:00.000+08:00

And so here it is.. We've opted to call ourselves Just Add H20 because just like instant pancit/ coffee/ noodles, all you have to do is add a little hot water and you're good to go. That's pretty much how the 3 of us got together-->we've all been friends for quite some time, we've played in different bands and now, instant band!

I'm can hardly believe that I'm actually/finally doing this again after soooo long. There are a lot of things that I'm unsure of but doing band and playing music is definitely something that I'm passionate about. It's not something I want to do for a living but while I'm still young (ehem) and while I know I still can, I'm gonna take the opportunities that come my way. It's the perfect stress-release and being able to create that 'alter-ego', one disjointed from my current profession, is refreshing and rejuvenating. The 'natural high' I get from all of this just makes the back pains, swollen hands, long nights, and panic attacks seem worthwhile.. :)

Ziztah' from Anotha' Motha'

2007-06-28T14:16:00.000+08:00

Nna. Nin.Nins. Ninskitot. Bru. Pie. Pieskitot. Vaky. Vaks. Vakster. Vakyness. Dupee. Kupee. Condee...
My Ziz.

There's no explaining how we clicked the way we did on our "first day" together but we simply did. We're similar in a lot of ways-- how we think, how we feel, the things we've been through in the past, the things we're going through now, our taste in clothes, music, weird habits when we were growing-up, etc.. We're wirelessly connected--she knows what I'm thinking just when I'm thinking it and she says words and punchlines aloud at the same time. It's frighteningly weird sometimes but more often than not, insanely funny. Most days I feel that we need a translator to help other people understand our incessant chatter and gibberish.

She's also a lot of things I'm not. She's tougher and stronger when dealing with things and she's more honest and frank than I am. I admire her tenacity and her ability to take people at face value, no questions asked, no judgement. I love how she loves life and how she's not afraid to live it to it's fullest--never compromising the things she believes in and never settling for anything less than what she knows she needs, wants and deserves. Jologs kung jologs pero at least walang kaarte-arte sa katawan. Game sa lahat so hindi mabigat dalhin kahit saan, kahit ano. Siguro sa EQ lang kami magkakatalo. Hahaha... :)

There isn't a day that I'm not grateful that I have a loyal sidekick and someone to be a loyal sidekick to. (ZsaZsa and Didi??!! Isdachuu?!! Hehe) The Pancitan is easier to live and it's been more fun since she joined our seemingly dysfunctionally-functional family. Regardless of what other people might say or feel, she fits right in.

Happy Birthday Ziz! We've said this time and again but know that I've got your back always. Thank you for all the times you've 'saved' me and for all your "Ate-mode"moments that seriously and literally knocked some sense into my head (Eto na nga, umaayos na!). I'm here for you for anything and everything (pwera Math, Science and cold cash) kahit na krung-krung ka talaga minsan. I look forward to more adventures/misadventures with you. Hindi na mapagkakaila-- nagkasala nga si Papa! Alaabshuuu Ziz!!! ;)

Maybe..

2007-06-19T06:25:00.000+08:00

Got this email from Ziz.. Hmmmm.. In light of current events, this is good food for thought..
Nobody ever said it would be easy but then again, it might just all be worth it..

*** *** ***
MAYBE

Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it does not, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Pass Me The Scissors

2007-06-15T18:39:00.000+08:00

SAMSON
Regina Spektor

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

*** *** ***
Been hearing this song a lot and it's up on the ranks of "Sleeps.." for me.. I have to get into writing gear again. The things I've been churning out seem so shallow and amateur-ish. How depressing! I want to take it up a notch, especially since we're re-grouping or at least in the process of.. July definitely has to be band month.. or I'll die trying! :p

RIBBIT!!! RIBBIT!!!

2007-06-15T15:30:00.001+08:00

It's been such a looooong week.. I can't help but feel melancholy hence this emo-post.. KOKAK!!! Pagbigyan nyo na ako please.. Pwera bulalo.. Hehehehe...

WAIT FOR YOU
Elliot Yamin

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Wait For You Lyrics
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you wanted to be

I'll Be Waiting

Tongue in Cheek

2007-06-06T10:31:00.000+08:00

"There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

It's been three friggin' weeks and I haven't gotten any real sleep (even when I'm aided by 'friends'). On average, I'm currently at three hours a day. If I'm lucky, I can go up to four hours. I cam't seem to fall asleep hence, waking up in time for work has grown more tedious. I. AM. SO. GODDAMN. TIRED.

Maybe I'm not dealing with my grief and with the other things in my life the right way-- is there even such a thing?!! I don't think I know what I'm doing half the time. I'm one of those old school zombies (not the 28 Weeks Later sort which is unfortunate in this case and this case alone) -- tripping over my own feet, bruising and scratching my appendages and bumping into inanimate objects. My limbs are crying out for a really good massage (or a really good solid hug)--which I don't seem to have the time for. I am literally sleepwalking ang talking through each and every day-- especially here at the Pancitan. I've been moving around like a space cadet, treading lightly, floating by with no gravity to pull me back down. I'm here but not really. I think I might actually be losing my mind.. Magaling lang yata talaga ako magdala..That's just peachy-keen. Really.

I'm working on a new project with a new client. It's a bit demanding and the pressure is definitely on. I'm multi-tasking yet again but I'm not exactly complaining because projects--no matter how big or small-- continue to come in and each brings new and "higher" learning. There's always something different for me to do so it's all good. Plus the team I'm working with is cool. We're working directly with client so in a way, we're a bit more relaxed although we carry a lot more responsibility--I'm scared shitless really but Go Team! Bingo Bonanza! (I promise to at least try to ensure that our next shoot doesn't land on a holiday or a long weekend.. especially your birthday okay JenFajPan??!! Hehehe)

It's been a rather busy but very interesting day today. I had the odd job of presenting in front of a panel of "judges" and in a span of maybe 10 minutes, got both boards approved. Wooosaah!!! I take no credit whatsoever because I was fed with most of the "answers" but it puts me on such a high. In every project, there's always a first and I guess I should just be thankful for the experience. Thank goodness I had 'back-up'. It added to the pressure of having to fake knowing what I was doing but all's well that ends well. Funny though bcause just when I was beginning to think that finally, the universe isn't conspiring against me, I find that I may have spoken too soon. Haaaaaay! Talo ko pa adik na nagpakasabog sa uppers sabay tumira at nag-OD sa downers. Bawal lang yata talaga akong maging masaya. Nakampuchang buhay to'!!!! I keep forgetting that I may actually be somebody who's not equipped for these things. (See Partner, I never really abandoned ship. I just took a swim out in the ocean cos' it was warm and the water looked so appealing..but I'm back right where we were always meant to be..) I oughta stop saying things out loud lest the universe realizes it skipped me on its "Who-to-Mess-up Today" List Ugh!

So that pretty much covers the 'busy' and the 'tired' part. As for being pursued and pursuing.. I don't know really. I've learned to level my expectations or if anything, to not expect anything from anyone anymore. Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture and accepting that sometimes things just don't go the way you want them to or you thought they'd go can be very liberating. I'm trying to just take things as they come and only on the surface-level--no more analyzing, no over-thinking, no emo-rollercoaster rides, no unneccessary movement/action. no promises, no strings attached.

*** *** ***
Everybody needs a little help sometimes.. I'm calling out to the universe.. Please give me a break.. I don't know how long I can keep this up... I'm sinking quickly.. I need to come up for air..

I Can't Do This
Plumb

I woke up late.
Guess I'm never really early.
I hesitate,
Only to fail.
I get so tired
Of procrastinating.
I need a change.

I can't do this.
I can't do this by myself.
I can't do this.
Oh God, I need your help.

I'm standing still,
Moved so peaceful.
I can't pretend
That I'm fine.
I get so ill,
Crazy, agitated
When I'm not really dying.

Press into me.
Breathe the air.
Bask in me.
You'll be free
To do anything.

Closing Time

2007-05-24T14:01:00.000+08:00

Catalino Leal Sobrepena
March 09,1928 - May 19, 2007

I wish I could be more eloquent and say the things that I really want to say but all of those will have to wait til' maybe my next post..

I just miss him already..

*** *** ***

Leader of the Band
Dan Fogelberg

An only child
Alone and wild
A cabinet maker's son
His hands were meant
For different work
And his heart was known to none
He left his home
And went his lone and solitary way
And he gave to me a gift
I know I never can repay

A quiet man of music
Denied a simpler fate
He tried to be a soldier once
But his music wouldn't wait
He earned his love
Through discipline
A thundering, velvet hand
His gentle means of sculpting souls
Took me years to understand.

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy
To the leader of the band.

My brothers' lives were different
For they heard another call
One went to Chicago
And the other to St. Paul
And I'm in Colorado
When I'm not in some hotel
Living out this life I've chose
And come to know so well.

I thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go
I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And, papa, I don't think I said
I love you near enough

The Ride

2007-05-08T14:19:00.000+08:00

You don't actually need to get on a plane to have your baggage checked-in or to actually leave.. Sometimes you can just quietly make an exit sans the tearful goodbyes.. Out of sight.. Out of mind.. It's all good as long as you remember to breathe...

*** *** ***
BOSTON
Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed...

You said...
You don't know me, you don't even care
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts across an open field
When flowers gaze at you...
They're not the only ones who cry
When they see you

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice

Ode to an ONS

2007-05-04T17:52:00.000+08:00

Odd how the stories that you hear around you trigger certain thoughts and emotions. It doesn't necessarily have to be reminiscent of something that happened in the past or a personal experience and yet you find yourself "mind-fucked" anyway.. Weird...

*** *** ***
I'm not one to share but oh well...

Speak softly my love,
My heart listens patiently
to the promises of forever
of tears that would never fall
of hurts that will never come my way
Lay close beside me,
As I watch your chest rise and fall
In deep slumber, my soul joins you
And we become ONE
Tomorrow, when the sun shines
And darkness is no longer upon us
Under Cupid's spell, we no longer will be
And when the evening's magic has faded away
Dreams would've been just dreams, out of our reach
And whispered words are soon washed away by pain
Eternity will come, but YOU, my LOVE,
Will be lost forever....

Continental Drift Theory

2007-04-26T19:28:00.000+08:00

According to the theory of continental drift, the world was made up of a single continent through most of geologic time. That continent eventually separated and drifted apart, forming into the seven continents we have today. The first comprehensive theory of continental drift was suggested by the German meteorologist Alfred Wegener in 1912. The hypothesis asserts that the continents consist of lighter rocks that rest on heavier crustal material—similar to the manner in which icebergs float on water. Wegener contended that the relative positions of the continents are not rigidly fixed but are slowly moving—at a rate of about one yard per century.

Smart man that Wegener fellow--except maybe for that bit about the continents moving at a rate of one yard per century. Ohdeargaawdd!! Hahaha..

Everyday, each person comes up with different theories in an attempt to come up with a reasons behind the seemingly strange occurrences that have been happening in their lives, with the hopes that in finding a rationale, that one "lightbulb" of an idea, they'll be able to get through the challenges that are coming their way.

I am admittedly one to over-analyze. I'm OC to a fault sometimes and I can be pessimistically fatalistic. I can easily fall prey to agonizing over the what-ifs, the why-the-hell-nots?!! and the WTFs?!!!.. but of late there are things that have caught me completely off-guard and now lead me to believe that sometimes or at least that there can be that ONE shining moment when 'the stars manage to align' and write out the path that you're supposed to follow--with no questions asked, no hesitations, no doubts, no fear.. All you have to do is to remember to breathe and believe that the universe isn't conspiring against you..

I've recently taken up yet another "love patient". B's actually a 'returning patient'. Same girl but with a graver problem and with a higher casualty rate. It's do or die this time. He's in a real predicament. What do you do when a "holy man" of sorts, someone deemed trustworthy and credible "predicts" that you'll definitely break-up by the end of the week? Do you stand there and until "death" knocks on your relationship's door? Like a man, waiting to hit the chair.. They belong to a culture whose traditions I don't understand and that at one point shunned me simply because of the blood that runs through my veins. How do I give my 2-cents worth of advice? More importantly, why is it that I am 'obviously' the person to run to when it comes to matters of the heart?!! I've been single for the longest time and obviously, my bad decisions in the past have left a lot scars and bruises.. I don't get it really..but what the hell right?!!

It's already hard enough for couples to stay together (yes, the cynic in me) but when outside forces such as the people around you, tradition, finances, predictions/premonitions and other issues come into play, couples find themselves thrown into a battlefield where they have to decide to stay and fight till the (bitter) end or to just give up the fight. There is never a 'right time' or a 'perfect time' to fight that Final Battle and there is no real preparation for it.

Of course, there is those biting questions--Is he/she worth the fight? Is this love worth fighting for? And once they find the answer in the very depths of their heart, that's when arms are set down. The war ceases.. blood is always shed.. people end up with wounds that are cut deep.. tears flow endlessly.. no one leaves unscathed.. but as with creation, there is rest and people continue wake up to face a new day. Whether they stand alone or they find themselves holding on tightly to someone's hand, they will continue to wake up to face a new day.

I told B that if she's the ONE for him and that there is nothing in this world that would make him happier other than being with her for the rest of their lives, then fight that final battle. Screw the prophecies, make his own destiny. Whatever happens in the end, at least he gave it one good and final shot. He fought for love and that's what would matter most.

*** *** ***
This is for those whose destiny is being written as we speak..

WHEN YOU KNOW
Shawn Colvin

When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow
Of your heart, there's no way you can wait till tomorrow.
When there isn't any doubt about it once you come this close
Cos you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love's around you like the sky 'round blue
This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.

When you know that you know who you need, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

And it's time you come in from the cold.
And you know that you know.

Reflections

2007-04-11T19:17:00.000+08:00

“Our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real.”
- Hannibal Lecter, Hannibal

*** *** ***
Holy Week is supposed to be a time of reflection, of healing and of communing with Him. True to form, I only managed to cover the reflection part. Healing and communing with Him would’ve been pushing it really.

I was able to steal away from the madness of the city and hit the beach for a couple of days. I burnt my skin, smoked my lungs out, drowned my sorrows and tried my hardest to roast my brain cells so I wouldn’t have to think of anything and everything. Even with a minor distraction in my midst, I wasn’t all too successful. I couldn’t get my mind to stop thinking. Idle hands but busy mind.

In the days that have passed, I was once again reminded that in this lifetime, a lot of people will come my way—Each playing a different role, having a different purpose, making and leaving different dents and marks in my life. There are those who will surely be by my side as I grow old and gray, there are those who will stay far longer than anticipated, some would’ve been gone just as quickly as they arrived and still others, who will have been gone too soon for my own liking but the mark that they leave is deeper and more lasting than their actual presence.

In the industry that I am in most especially, I am often reminded to keep my guards up and to be wary of the people that I share my thoughts and opinions with for fear that they will pass their unsolicited judgement over the inner workings of my deranged mind. People wear different masks all the time—admittedly, even I do but there are a choice few that I am able to reveal my true self to and there isn’t a day that I am not grateful for them. We may encounter some bumps along the way but it’s these people that manage to keep my head up, that pull me out of the water when I’m not even aware that I’m already drowning.

It's true that over time, old wounds heal and you are able to move on and move forward from past hurts. You learn to forgive and while I'm not one to forget, I don't burn bridges (although on some occasions, I put up massive roadblocks to avoid more conflict or tension) It feels good to be able to return to a place that was once my "second home" and to be welcomed with open arms by my "second dad" whose words "Ang nawawala kong anak.." with a bearhug that only fathers can give almost made me breakdown in tears (Thank you Manang for chopping fish in the kitchen. It was definitely the stench that kept my emotions in check). I know most people will disagree with my decision to burry the hatchet but I don't really feel the need to continue carrying that burden and that hurt around any more. I'm past it. We're both past it. 'Nuff said.

It's also true that time melts away the anger that we allow to burn within us. Unfortunately, this leaves a window of opportunity for indifference to settle in. For a choice few, I have chosen this path. I would rather emotionally disconnect and distance myself from these people rather than give them the opportunity to crawl under my skin and test my patience yet again. I may not be as forgiving as I have been.

*** *** ***
You know how when you enter the theater to watch a “new” movie knowing full well how the story is going to turn out because that’s exactly how stories like that ALWAYS turn out?! And even with that knowledge in mind, you still willingly sit through the movie and wait for the restof the story to unfold in the exact manner you knew it would. This must be one of the longest and crappiest movies I’ve ever seen and yes, I’m still stupidly sitting through it (and living it even). Unfortunately for me, I will surely come out of this as the antagonist rather than the protagonist. Ugh! Sometimes my own stupidity amazes me. Everytime I think I've reached the maximum limit, I still find a little slack to move around in. Un-frikkin-believable.

*** *** ***
Silent All These Years
Tori Amos

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

And it's been here
Silent all these years
I've been here
Silent all these years

More Statements...

2007-03-29T21:29:00.000+08:00

Still more statements...

"God gave alcohol as a social lubricant to make men brave and women loose"
"Sa lahat ng nagmamahal nang pasaway, good luck nalang.."
"Hawak kamay lang..."
"Iba talaga pag sabon... Mabula!!!"
'I'm all out of love... I'm so lost without you..."
"Salamat sa pag-aksaya ng panahon namin..."
"It took the great people in this industry years to get to where they're at now, not on pure skill alone but with heart and humility..."
"Pancit nanaman??!!"

*** *** ***
I'm soooo tired... This has been a purely carbo-loading week (read: madami nanaman nag-order ng pancit!) I'm not complaining really. I'm just tired- that's all really. I'm not more tired than anybody nor am I busier than anyone else... I'm just plain tired. I need to breathe but I can't. If I stop spinning, I'm gonna fall apart. I keep wishing for something.. for someone.. for anything.. I want to--at the very least--find a reason to smile even as I swim and drink in this pool of madness. Maybe there really are some people who aren't equipped to be happy. (Yes, Manok. I'm talking about you and me here...)

*** *** ***
If you're gonna go, please just leave.. Do it quickly and as painless as possible. Don't think twice. Just go, I won't stop you. But if you want to stay, you're welcome to. I want you to. Don't do it in sporadic bursts that leave me breathless one minute but lost and drowning the next. I don't know how to deal with you. I can't have this hallucination eating me up each and every day. I won't have myself hanging onto each and every word you say, waiting stupidly for your next move. Save me or Spare me. It's that simple.

The Weakness in Me
Keisha White

I'm not the sort of person who falls
In and quickly out of love
But to you I gave my affection
Right from the start

If I have a lover who loves me
How could I break such a heart
Yet you still get my attention
Right from the start

Why do you come here
When you know I've got troubles enough
Why do you call me
When you know I can't answer the phone

(You) Make me lie
When I don't want to
And make someone else
Some kinda unknowing fool
You make me stay
When I should not
Are you so strong
Or is the weakness in me

Why do you come here
And pretend to be just passing by
When I need to see you
And I need to hold you tightly

Feeling guilty, worried
Waking from tormented sleep
This old love has me bound
But the new love cuts deep

If I choose now, I'll lose out
Coz' one of us has to fall
I need you
And you aren't here

STATEMENTS

2007-03-22T15:22:00.000+08:00

I've heard/seen/read some of the oddest and funniest things this week. I can't quite decide though if these are the things that are keeping me sane or driving me insane :

Ang para kay Juan ay tanging kay Juan lamang at hindi maaaring kunin ni Pedro kailanman ngunit ang kay Pedro, maaring kay Juan parin. (May tawag dito.. 1-word.. Go!!! Hula-hoop!)
Mas madaling hulihin ang manok na nakatali.
Jigs to someone and quoted by Partner: "Kalimutan mo na sya. Hindi ka naman kapangitan... Makakahanap karin ng kapalit nun."
Heard on radio, the topic was 'Things You Shouldn't Say to Ugly People': "At sino naman nagsabi sayo na pangit ka??!! In fairness, honest sya..."
"Wagadush si Papa"
V's for Peace (Don't forget to send some over Becky!! Hehe)
"Surreal..."
Occupation: "Parausan ng mga latak ng lipunan.."

*** *** ***
Birthday shoutouts:

Belated Happy Birthday Jojo!! If you really can't stop spending your money on pokkers, please remember to BE SAFE!!! Jooooooke! Miss na kita--which is why I'm not calling you on your stalker instinct anymore.. At least I know that you're still there for me even if you're miles away because you bother to check my multiply.. my friendster.. my blog.. Ano pa ba??!! Either you sincerely give a damn or chismoso ka lang talaga! Hehehe.. Amishuu!! :D

Kurly K! It's a working birthday for you--all the way in Bacolod! Sad.. but we'll make up for it next week at your birthday bash thrown by your "super cute boyfriend who likes to celebrate birthdays.." Fif and I have to go hat-hunting! Stress!!! Hehe :D Te amo mucho chica bonita!

Lancey--formerly known as Wingman1.. Happy Birthday! Yes, happiness all over is still the key to everything. May the "New Lancer/Lancer Evolution" last far longer than what we're all betting--hehe, joke lang! Sign-up na for the refresher! Meanwhile, go drink and make merry! Ponti? W135? Brazil? Hahahaha :) We have to celebrate--dali! Habang wala pang mga schedule. I don't wanna disappear from the social planet again! :p

*** *** ***

Met up with my fave girlies last night and like always, we had a blast. It's always such a relief to be around people you can just be yourself with--no masks, all guards down, pure unadulterated and uncensored sharing, no fear of being judged for your actions. I think that's why we've lasted this long together and maybe this is also why, even if we haven't seen each other for a long period of time, the foundation we've built remains strong and our connection is in tact. (I just realized that we don't have an updated picture (this was from our last 'purging' sessionlast year I think--that's how long you've been gone Jammy! Fif and I aren't tampo anymore though..Loved the rose, love you more!)

*** *** ***
Oddly, no theme song for this post.. My mind's just not where it's supposed to be..

And That Makes Two..

2007-03-15T19:35:00.000+08:00

It was only yesterday that I realized that I managed to overlook my blog-niversary. As of March 4th of this year, I have been officially blogging for 2 whole years. Yes, 2 years of whining, bitching , of sharing my insanity with the techno-universe...

*** *** ***
I meant to blog last Monday about my happy weekend exept I didn't exactly get around to it with all the things that have been going on here at the Pancitan. We celebrated my Lolo's 79th birthday at Mum's place and we were almost shockingly complete--just minus 1 Tito, 1 cousin, 1 girlfriend and 1 boyfriend (obviously not mine so don't bother asking!). I think our last get-together was last New Year. We were our normal noisy, funny and crazy selves so the house felt so alive. Dimsum (my furry baby brother) could barely contain himself from the excitement of being around so many people.

The "party" almost didn't push through because of some conflict but we managed to pull things together. The food was great as always but it was the bonding that made the last minute/overnight preparations well-worth it. I just felt that it was important to celebrate his birthday at this point in his life when his health isn't too good and when his lapses in memory come a little too often for my liking. My Dad recommended that they have him checked for Alzheimer's but I guess Mum and my Titas just feel that it's unnecessary since there's no real cure for it and because they're somewhat prepared for what may come in the future. They laugh when they share odd stories of his lapses and "hallucinations" but I know deep down, it hurts them to see him like that, especially when he doesn't recognize them. It was just perfect that he was quite lucid last Sunday. I'm still waiting for the pictures from my cousin so I can't quite share these moments the way I really want to.

Sunday was really one of the most family-centric days I've ever had. It was a time of healing, of mending past hurts, of accepting the things that have happened and of recognizing how this has moulded us into the persons that we have come to be. Admittedly, mine (my immediate family) depicts dysfunctionality at it's finest with my parents, as well as my siblings and I, having different home addresses to start with but I think that what we have is more special and much stronger than what "normal" families have. It was only then that I realized that we've been having these regular Sunday family lunches or dinners for the past two years. I am a highly emotional person so it's no surprise that the words that I heard that night brought tears to my eyes. I recognize how difficult it must've been for those who spoke--I, although being the most outspoken person in our family, decided to remain silent-- and I appreciate it more than they could ever know. A huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I think I honestly feel that the healing in my life has truly begun. This might actually be a really good year for me, for us.. Although I can only hope, wish and pray...

*** *** ***
Ironically, coming at the heels of this is the passing of my friend B.Li's dad--days before his birthday even. Good thing it was such a busy day that I wasn't able to greet him. It pains me and it scares me in ways I cannot even begin to describe--with my Dad being sick and all. Our other Mafia friends say that he's okay because they expected it and that his Dad was in one sense, happy. I still feel that a loss is still a loss and it's a given that he's not entirely okay about all of this. While my Dad's been sick for awhile and we all know that it will inevitably get ugly, there's still no "Idiot's Guide on How to Prep for Losing a Parent" out in the market.

Apart from dealing with these grave matters, he apparently has the option to get married within 100 days from the time of his Dad's burial to his long-time girlfriend but it has to be a very small and simple wedding because essentially, they should still be in mourning. I don't really understand these things but it's one of those Chinese traditions that most of them seem familiar with. Either that or they wait another 2 years before tying the knot. He asked for 30 days to decide. After which, I think the whole Mafia will be running around the metro to help them make this wedding happen if they decide to make a "go" of it.

*** *** ***
Things at the Pancitan are crazier than usual. My "To Do" List seems to expand by the millisecond but I'm taking time out to blog and breathe. Otherwise, I think I might just lose it. People have been telling me that I look harassed or stressed or tired or haggard--and I'm sadly not just talking about one or two people here. All of which are relatively synonymous to "ugly" except my friends are maybe too kind. The first quarter of 2007 isn't even over yet! Uuugghh!! Someone (ahem.. if you're reading this, I want you to know that I think you're really MEAN!! hehe) even commented that the Pancitan isn't doing my sense pf humor any good because my jokes/comments are becoming weak or lame. So now, I feel ugly and I'm suffering from the loss of my prized wit and "charm".. Geddemit! I think I need to... or something... Hahahaha :9

*** *** ***
Could this post be any longer??!! (Escapism! Hehe..) It ends here I promise. This is because I don't get YOU and because you're driving me mad! Obviously, there's a reason why you're (still) where you're at and not where I want you to be. I hear different voices singing different parts of this song. I'm hating it..absolutely..

LOVING YOU
Paolo Nutini

Back off loneliness and hello tenderness
I've been waiting for your call for so long
And it must've been hard just to follow your soul
To stick to the road that your heart wants you to go
And as you slide through the door
With your morals on your sleeve
And i think its time for all those morals to leave
So let's get down and freaky baby
Let's get restless baby
C'mon get crazy with me

And I said when your loving me
I'm loving you and I love your prowess
And the things that you do
And it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone
And when your loving me, I'm loving you
And that's when we've got it goin' on

So many people think we've got it wrong
They try to break us but we wont play along
So let;s get down and dirty baby,
Let;s get restless baby

And I was so stranded and I was lost and abandoned
And I needed another home and you fly in my arms
You fly right into my arms

dizzying stillness

2007-03-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged in a bit. I haven't really had the time to plus I haven't been in the right state to organize my thoughts into phrases and sentences that would seem coherent to whoever takes time out to swim in my thoughts.

As always, things at the Pancitan have been crazy with different deadlines to meet and with a variety of characters to deal with. I feel so tired and so drained. Every day, I have to drag myself out of bed and drive to the office. Traffic is hell and parking is a bitch if you happen to come a few seconds too late!

I've overdrawn my "happy thoughts" bank account so getting through the day in one piece has become such a chore. I recently made a few "deposits" but with the relatively "low interest rate", it doesn't really count for much. (Am I talking in Greek here?!) Isa lang itong guni-guni.. Kailangan ko nang magising..

The things that have happened in the few weeks have left me in a tailspin. I am currently enrolled in the Eskimo Academy, trying to finish with a Masters degree in the Art of being Deadma but sadly--even being the OC overachiever that I am-- this is one course that I will most definitely fail. I am human. I breathe. I think. I feel. That is one thing that will never change and I am grateful.

I know that more often than not I tend to over-think and over-analyze things but at least there are forces in my environment that literally knock me back to my senses and drag me back to reality. (Thanks Ziz and Partner, even if you sometimes use brute force! Hahaha)

*** *** ***
In other news, G-girl and Kuya Kar are engaged!!! Woohoooo!!! It seems that the recurring theme for 2007 has to do with weddings. Uuuggghh!!! But I am genuinely happy for them. This engagement was 8 years in the making and I was there (as the Spy, hehehe) when it all started at the Unibersidad. I'd post pictures except we used Fifi's camera that night so I guess it'll be a few years before we see them.. (UPLOAD Fif!!! Pleeeeaaasssee!!)

I wish you both luck, love and truckloads of kids! That should be fun! We've got a wedding to plan! Wheeeeee! :P

*** *** ***
Still more news:
Our friend Noelle is part of the Pinay expedition to Everest. Cool really but I'm scared for her. My only wish is that she keeps her promise to us--> to come back (and with 10 fingers and 10 toes). Good luck Noey!!!

I was at her send-off party last night with the Chicas and other Goldy-girls, after a long and crazy day--booknotes version: my car died in the middle of the street but oddly enough, right in front of an auto supply shop. God bless the soul of Jeff and the traffic enforcer that helped me. It was such a relief to be around friends when the madness subsides. Good Times, Good Friends.. :D

*** *** ***
Daming news!!!

My Partner is going to Pattaya as the country representative for her shortfilm "Taxi" at the Adfest. None of us realized how big this event was actually gonna be but if anyone deserves it, it's gotta be her.

I know you don't believe much in yourself and in the things that you can do (parang mali sabihin to..??) but, we all do. Go for gold na ito Mars! I'll be rooting for you even as I wither here lonesomely at the Pancitan. Alagaan mo sya Ziz!! Uwi kayo agad! Pasalubong ko!!! :D

*** *** ***
This song has been on repeat in my head. Hence, my blog should be in on it too.

TULAK NG BIBIG, KABIG NG DIBDIB
Julianne

Tulak ng bibig, kabig ng dibdib

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa iyo
Paikot-ikot lang,
Nalilito, ba’t gan’to?
Pag-gising sa umaga ikaw ang nasa isip
Pagtulog sa gabi, laman ng panaginip
Mahal ba kita?
O ano? Ewan ko

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa iyo
Simula nang makilala
Di na maipinta ngiti sa mata
Magdamag ang kwentuhan, kulitan, tawanan
Di ko maintindihan
Bakit ngayon lang
Kung kelan ang puso ko ay maselan

Hindi mo lang alam
Takot lang akong masaktan
Iniingatan lang aking puso
Kung maibibigay ko lang ang sinasabi mo
Di na sana tayo magkakaganito
Pasensya ka na kung hanggang dito na muna tayo

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa iyo
Paikot-ikot lang
Nalilito, ba’t gan’to?
Urong-sulong yan ang paborito
Lilitaw, lulubog tanong mo kahit sino
Pakisabi nalang
Ano ba talaga ang gusto mong gawin ko?

Pakiusap lang
Wag mo nga akong tingnan ng ganyan
Nakakatunaw ang iyong tingin
Hinay-hinay ka lang
Mahina ang lkalaban
Baka di na maiwasan
Mahulog ng tuluyan

Hindi mo lang alam
Takot lang akong masaktan
Iniingatan lang aking puso
Kung maibibigay ko lang ang sinasabi mo
Di na sana tayo magkakagulo-gulo
Pasensya ka na kung hanggang dito na muna tayo

Hanggang dito nalang..

Tulak ng bibig, kabig ng dibdib..

Happy V(alium)-Day!!! :p

2007-02-14T00:01:00.000+08:00

Can't I just skip this day and sleep my sadness away???!!

*** *** ***
THAT'S HOW I KNEW THIS STORY WOULD BREAK MY HEART
Aimee Mann

I drew a picture of you
You and your anchor tattoo
And saw the face that I knew
Covered in shame
You drew a bird that was here
A kind of sweet chanticleer
But with a terrible fear
That the cage couldn't tame

That's how I knew this story would break my heart
When you wrote it
That's how I knew this story would break my heart

So, like a ghost in the snow
I'm getting ready to go
'Cause baby, that's all I know –
How to open the door
And though the exit is crude
It saves me coming unglued
For when you're not in the mood
For the gloves and the canvas floor

That's how I knew this story would break my heart
When you wrote it
That's how I knew this story would break my heart

Believe in the Power of the Potpot!

2007-02-09T23:41:00.000+08:00

I'm back from Boracay! Take me back to the beach!!! :(

I can hardly believe that we even went. If not for the hundreds of pictures that were taken, I might actually forget that we were there just last weekend. With all the things that need to be taken care of here in Manila, Boracay seems like a distant memory. I actually uploaded all the pictures into my iPod--Just so I can run to my new wealth of "happy thoughts" when things get too rough or when people seem unbearable.

*** *** ***

Mr. & Mrs. Raoul Panes

It still comes as a shock when the thought of Jennie being married--of being part of a permanent "we/us"--crosses my mind. We're not exactly the closest of friends but we've talked and shared enough of our lives for me to be moved to tears when she walked into the church, with the sun shining behind her, creating a magnificent and utterly dramatic silhouette. It was perfect really!

The reception was a blast of course and I partied heartily with Ama, the Angels--particularly my faves Zizter, Bebeh and Chay-r/Bangy--and the rest of the familia. Paolo Santos (In fairness, he was funny. Especially when he kept on making digs at the groom's age..Hehe) and the Brass Monkeys (Old school but fun fun fun!!!) set the tone of the celebration with their music. It felt a bit strange since we were surrounded by industry people that we work closely with pero as Bebeh said, "Quebs!!!" Mamatay na sa inggit ang mga taong judgemental na hindi marunong magpakasaya!!! Hahaha.. We were there to celebrate (We sure as hell deserve to!) the union of two people who found love via an unexpected set and props check and celebrate we did!!!

The backstory: the Pancitan was shooting a bread/biscuit commercial. One of the props for the TVC was a bicycle with a horn--yes, a Potpot. Raoul pitched in for his art director who could not make it and when he saw Jen--the Production Designer for the shoot--Approved agad!!! The rest as they say, is history.

Valentine's Day is just around the corner and for single people like me, it's one 'holiday' that I'm not exactly looking forward to. I can already imagine the little stabs it's gonna make at my heart... Ugh! Of late, I find myself quite allergic to anything lovey-dovey (Kasi naman! Di na nakuntento sa Love Day! Gawin bang Love Month?!! Anobuzz?!!) but the Panes wedding is defintely one memory that I'll be holding on to because it reminded me to trust and to have faith. I still feel the loneliness--there's no denying that-- and I feel it magnifying as V-Day nears. But at the same time, I'm honestly not consciously looking for love.. Maybe not anymore.

In the words of Raoul, "Believe in the POWER of the POTPOT!" I'll just wait for love to come out of nowhere and pleasantly surprise me.. :)

See You Soon...

2007-01-31T08:42:00.000+08:00

Photograph by my Tagteam Partner

I need a break! Please let everything fall into place... I'm in dire need of a tan! :)

I'm Sorry...

2007-01-29T19:15:00.000+08:00

. . . I'm still in shock
. . . I'm not emotionally equipped to handle this
. . . I feel at a loss for words to say to you
. . . I cried inconsolably on your couch
. . . I called you self-absorbed
. . . I'm being self-absorbed too
. . . I can't explain why all of this hurts me so
. . . I didn't reach out to you and say things will be okay before leaving
. . . I couldn't jump into this with both feet in
. . . I had my doubts--I still do
. . . I said I regretted things because I don't
. . . I said things in the past to make you think twice about telling me the truth
. . . I expected a "happy ending"--whatever the hell that is these days
. . . I didn't believe that your feelings for me still remain true after I learned the truth
. . . I might actually be skeptical about it still
. . . I couldn't tell you I love you too when we had that "moment"
. . . I still can't because I honestly don't know--not then and definitely not now
. . . I wasn't the "remedy" you had hoped I would be
. . . You felt I didn't understand you because I do
. . . You thought I didn't accept any or all of this because I do
. . . You're a mess now--let me help you, please

. . . I'm Sorry . . .

*** *** ***

LOVE'S DIVINE
Seal

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

Oh I don't bend, don't break
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe me

Love can help me know my name

Well Well Well...

2007-01-17T20:20:00.000+08:00

Bokbok pulled a fast one on all of us. I'm in shock! (Sorry Bitch, she beat you to it. Guess you won't be the first among us after all...) She has always been the level-headed one, the Ms. Analyze This. For her to jump into something as serious as this, has really got me thinking. And while I am not not too keen on lovebirds these days (ah, the bitter pill), I must say that I am genuinely happy that she found the One. Maybe you're the sign that I've been looking for. There may be hope for me yet...

Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Dynamite Camua (did I get this right?! I find myself oddly propelled to say "boom goes.." hehehe)! I wish you love and marital bliss forever and ever! I miss you hanehbunch! Come home as soon as you can so you can fill us in on the erm--little details.. I love you mucho! (even if I'm jealously hating how happy you look! hehe)

*** *** ***

IDOL is back! I refrained from watching the last run because work was trying to kill me and just because it didn't bring pleasant memories but maybe I'll find the time to watch it again this season..

A Silent Plea

2007-01-15T20:06:00.000+08:00

I'm throwing this out to the universe: I WANT YOU.

Don't ask me when or why or how... I know I shouldn't, but I do. I hate that you're being dangled right in front of me, well within my reach but completely untouchable. Yet again, the universe is conspiring against me... (sigh)...

*** *** ***

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER
Blondie

One way or another I'm gonna find you
I'm gonna get you
One way or another I'm gonna win you
I'm gonna get you
One way or another I'm gonna see you
I'm gonna meet you
One day, maybe next week
I'm gonna meet you, I'll meet you
I will drive past your house
And if the lights are all down
I'll see who's around

And if the lights are all out
I'll follow your bus downtown
See who's hanging out

One way or another I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna give you the slip, a slip of the lip or another
I'm gonna lose you, I'm gonna trick you
One way or another I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna trick you
One way or another I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna give you the slip

I'll walk down the mall
Stand over by the wall
Where I can see it all
Find out who you call
Lead you to the supermarket checkout
Some specials and rat food, get lost in the crowd

One way or another I'm gonna get you
(Where I can see it all, find out who you call)

Happy Fuggin' New Year

2007-01-10T16:26:00.000+08:00

... and this is the new year.

2007 has barely kicked-off and already I'm on a brand-new rollercoaster ride. It's been a crazy blur since day 1. Even as I was desperately trying to relish the last few hours of the holiday break, I was glued to my phone making calls and sending out messages coordinating things for the busy days ahead.

On day 1, I had to say goodbye to my last Wingman. Although we lost touch for a bit sometime last year, I still can't begin to thank him for everything he's done for me and everything he's been to me. I miss you already Jojo. Who's going to save me now? :,(

*** *** ***
I had dinner at Haiku with college friends last week. I think we only get to see each other everytime Pilar is in town or if I celebrate my birthday. (Where on earth are you Carmencita?!) It's great to catch up with old friends because it really brings me back to a time when things were simpler or at the very least, less complicated. It's good to see that all our lives are somewhat on track and we're all doing okay. I just can't imaging my four years in UP without these girls.

Another thing that I've come to realize is that Manila has definitely gone skinny--Auuggh! I swear, every single that passed by must have been a size 0 or negative. It's so frustrating and harder even when I'm surrounded by similarly skinny friends(damn you bitches, haha!). While I'm currently shifting back and forth from a 0 to 2, I still find myself sadly yearning to be reed-thin and borderline-anorexic like them.

I hung out with the Slut that and the Bitch at Ankie's for a few rounds afterwards. Ankie's is a tiny haunt near my place. I've never been there before until that night. It seems like a good place to hang--cheap booze and yummy barchow. We shared our 'unfiltered' stories and had a good laugh about the crazy mishaps we've been through--the Bitch's embarrassing stories, the Slut's work adventures and of course, my poor choice in men (we definitely had a good laugh about that bit).

*** *** ***
Work's still crazy and the people are crazier. I'm trying real hard to keep my tongue -in-cheek and I'm finding it extremely difficult to keep my patented sarcasm in check. Pakikisama they call it. I beg to disagree but I'm not about to launch into an all-out rantfest about this. Frankly, I don't have the energy right now. While I whine a lot, I am very grateful for this opportunity. The stress might actually pay-off in the end. Patience is the key.

*** *** ***

Saw my fave psychic over the weekend and she gave me some interesting insights on what 2007 may bring for me. Some are pretty mind-blowing and has got me paranoid over soem things. Some, I'd rather not talk about it but I promise to update everybody in June should she be right. Goodgaawd, the anticipation of things to come might actually cause me more damage than good! I feel so paranoid! :p

*** *** ***

2007 has barely started and already I've done something stupid. Gaaawwd! (cue me: smacking my hand on my forehead) I really need to break this bad habit before my troubles run deeper than they already are.

MISTAKE #3
Culture Club

You can't bystand all the people
Stand them on their own
They will fall to pieces
So we watch them grow
Into strange and pretty faces
I don't know
Clutching to my lipstick traces
Watch them go

Make mistake number three
Make mistake number three
Make mistake number three

It's strange how much it changes
How they want to know
How cynical are people
That's where children go

Dragged into a conversation
They can't hold
It's so sad
But it prepares them for the mould

Why is my love like an ocean run dry?
Why is my love
Such a struggle with life?

You can't bystand all the people
Stand them on their own
They will fall into pieces
So we watch them grow

Make mistake number three

Merry Friggin' Xmas

2006-12-27T10:16:00.000+08:00

And so that was Christmas...

It came and went without me really feeling the holiday "spirit", especially when it was capped off with unpleasantries from people in the Pancitan. MoFo! Parang hindi nag-Pasko! I thank YOU profusely for ruining my already rotten holiday season. Thank YOU for rendering me useless and in tears on my bathroom floor while YOU were probably relishing in your miniscule "triumph". Maraming Salamat!

I feel so drained. I keep wishing for the year to end and for a new 'life' to begin. It's only a few days till' 2007 comes and I just can't wait. At the same time, I can't help but feel scared because I don't know what to expect. I don't know what the coming year has in store for me--even if I already have the first two months mapped-out in terms of work. I swear, if it's anything like 2006, please let the earth open up and swallow me whole now.

*** *** ***

Life is lonely when you're harboring a lot of anger and hatred. I'm trying to come to terms with the ghosts of my past but like my TagTeam partner Hatsummomo said, these ghosts are territotial and it looks as if they're here to stay. (While we share some very odd parallelisms in our crazy lives, I worry about you still because you always manage to top me a thousandfold. Di ko kaya ganyang levels, Mars! Takot ako! It's hard and there are a lot of forces around you that probably make it even harder, but hang in there. I need you. We all do. Moreover, we want you to stick around.. for a long time. Trade me "happy pills" pleeeaaase!)

In both of our cases, what people sometimes fail to see is that this breakdown is 26 years (27 in hers) in the making and it's long-overdue. I cannot simply get out of it in a just snap--very much unlike how I fell into it. It's harder even with people negating what I'm feeling. How is that even remotely possible?! How can someone else appear to know what I'm feeling more than me?!

When did I turn into a whiny-self-loathing-biatch?! I'm doing a Meredith--> I'm dark and twisty all over. (Have you seen my childhood?!) I have baggage from all corners of the universe and I luckily chance upon people who have more baggage than me and who are far more damaged than I am. What a happy camp I'm building here! No wonder my heart is black and blue all over..Whoopeee! Somebody light the fireworks already!

*** *** ***
I'm trying to embed this is into my muddled-head.

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."
- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

LOVE WILL COME TO YOU
Indigo Girls

Guess I wasnt the best one to ask
Me, myself with my face pressed
Up against love's glass
To see the shiny toy I've been hoping for
The one I never can afford
The wide world spins and spits turmoil
And the nations toil for peace
But the paws of fear upon your chest
Only love can soothe that beast
And my words are paper tigers
No match for the predators of pain inside her

I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one, there will be two

I was born under the sign of cancer
(Love will come to you)
Like brushing cloth I smooth the wrinkles for an answer
(Love will come)
I'm always closing my eyes and wishing Im fine
(I close my eyes and wish you fine)
Even though I know I'm not this time
(Even though I know you're not this time)

Dodging your memories a field of knives
Always on the outside looking in on other's lives

And I wish her insight to battle love's blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that scattered
Learn to pretend there's more than love that matters

Hoi Polloi I Am

2006-12-20T10:31:00.000+08:00

Masa at may slight kabaduyan factor pero I super love this song. Galing! Who writes lines like "sa mundo ng kawalan" at age 14???!!! I guess it's no surprise she won the tilt. I'm sure her network can't wait to milk her for all she's worth. Heck, they started even when she was inside the Academy. Palakpakan naman jan mga bata! (Love you Fif! Hehehe)

Thank you Girlies or pulling me--though only for a short and fleeting moment--out of yesterday's funk. I honestly thought my face was gonna stay frozen in that deadpan state forever. I needed to smile, laugh and cackle.. and it's only the two of you who really know how to make me do that (although sometimes at the expense of some poor jane or john). I love you! Can't wait for our "rocking chair" years to come. It'll be easier to cackle without teeth.

HAWAK KAMAY
Yeng Constantino

Minsan madarama mo kay bigat ng problema
Minsan mahihirapan ka at masasabing “di ko makakaya”
Tumingin ka lang sa langit
Baka sakaling may masumpungan
Di kaya ako’y tawagin
Malalaman mong kahit kailan

Hawak-kamay
Di kita iiwan sa paglakbay
Dito sa mundong walang katiyakan
Hawak-kamay
Di kita bibitawan sa paglalakbay
Sa mundo ng kawalan

Minsan madarama mo
Ang mundo’y gumuho sa ilalim ng iyong mga paa
At ang agos ng problema’y tinatangay ka
Tumingin ka lang sa langit
Baka sakaling may masumpungan
Di kaya ako’y tawagin
Malalaman mong kahit kailan

Wag mong sabihin nag-iisa ka
Laging isipin meron kang kasama
Narito ako, Narito ako…

*** *** ***

Christmas is a sneeze away and I still haven't made a Christmas list and I haven't started on my Christmas shopping. My friends find it really weird since I'm usually one of the early Christmas shoppers. This time last year, I had almost all of my gifts wrapped and ready for delivery but I just can't bring myself to get into the spirit. Hindi ko lang kaya maging masaya at lalo ako nalulungkot pag maraming nagtatawanan sa paligid ko. Nakakabaliw! Malungkot ako pero bakit ayaw nyo lahat maniwala?!

*** *** ***

Jojo, don't leave na please.. I need you here.. :(

*** *** ***
Spent some time with Mafia after the longest time. It brings me back to days when life was simpler and when I was happy. It's been too long really but I'm glad that they give me the same regard as before even if things and "titles" have changed.

*** *** ***
Hindi kita maintindihan.. Ano ba talaga gusto mo?!! Ang gulo mo! Sinusubukan ko na nga magmove-on, eto ka nanaman. Kung ayaw mo, huwag mo. Hindi pwedeng patay-sindi. Hindi pwedeng kung kelan mo lang maisipan. Nakakasawa na.

*** *** ***
In keeping with this post's theme, here's another song I'm currently tripping on. I was rooting for her even if I knew she wasn't gonna win.. Oh well..

BEHIND THOSE EYES
Panky Trinidad & Chai Fonacier

The shadow lies a bit too long across my path
And it bleeds too much on blue grey gutters and fireflies
Black and cold into my shoes turn my skin blue
A little spider crawling out to weave around my heart in moonlight wind

And when you see my eyes, does your heart receive these words in mine
And when you close your eyes, do you see me in these dreams I hide
If I could steal one thing, I would grab your heart and make it mine
For your heart

Little thoughts and feelings found behind those eyes
I refuse to know the truth, to know the reason why you and I can never be
I try to build a wall, try to heal the hurt inside
But it pains me even more to know that it’s too late, that I’m too late

‘Cause I can’t see your face every time I gaze those skies when I cry
Doesn’t feel so right but you can never be mine

Does your heart receive these words in mine
Do you see me in these dreams I hide
I would grab your heart and make it mine
I would grab your heart and make it mine

Mindless Randomness

2006-12-14T18:33:00.000+08:00

Wala lang.

*** *** ***
Rule # 1. You can only say YES or NO!
Rule # 2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING!

Taken a picture naked?
- yes

Danced in front of your mirror?
- yes

Told a lie?
- yes

Gotten in a car with people you just met?
- no

Been in a fist fight?
- yes

Been arrested?
- no

Left your house without telling your parents?
- yes

Ditched school to do something more fun?
- yes

Seen someone die?
- no

Kissed a picture?
- no

Slept in until 3pm?
- yes

Fallen asleep at work/school?
- yes

Felt an earthquake?
- yes

Made out with a total stranger?
- yes

Touched a snake?
- no

Been in a car accident?
- YES! (Gedemmit!)

Pole danced?
- no

Been lost?
- yes

Sang in a videoke?
- yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
- no

Sang in the shower?
- yes

Ever gone to school partially naked?
- no

Sat on a roof top?
- no

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
- no

Been told you're hot by a complete stranger?
- yes

Forgotten someone's name?
- yes

Slept naked?
- yes

Blacked out from drinking?
- yes

Felt like killing someone?
- YES!!!

Made a parent cry?
- yes.

Had/Have a dog?
- yes

Been in a band?
- yes

Drank 25 sodas in a day?
- no

Shot a gun?
- no

Ever wanted to kill an ex?
- YES!!! (Hello?!!)

Dramarama

2006-12-13T09:50:00.000+08:00

They say everything comes in 3's. I must be on my 20th or something and it just keeps on coming.. Why won't it stop coming??!!

I spent last night desperately trying to bury Ms.Hyde and to drown my evil thoughts. It gets harder each and every day. I'm snappish and overly-sensitive because I'm angry. Because I'm hurt. Because I don't think it's fair. Because I'm just so f***in' sick of everything. Because I'm tired. Because I've given up a long time ago and yet I find myself awake each and every morning. I want to unload all the emo-baggage that I've been lugging around but I can't. I should. But I won't. And I don't. Mamatay na yata ako sa sama ng loob pero ang tagal-tagal-TAGAL!!!

*** *** ***
YOU.
ARE.
UNVELIEVABLE.

SOMETHING I NEVER HAD
Lindsay Lohan

Do you see me
Do you feel me like I feel you
Call your number
But I cannot get through
You don't hear me
And I don't understand
When I reach out
I don't find your hand

Were they wasted words
And did they mean a thing
And all that precious time
But I still feel so in between

Someday, I just keep pretending
That you'll stay
Dreaming of a different ending
I wanna hold on
But it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had

I keep tellin' myself
Things can turn around with time
And if I wait it out
You could always change your mind
Like a fairy tale
Where it works out in the end
Can I close my eyes
Have you lying here again
Then I come back down
Then I fade back in
Then I realize
It's just what might have been

Am I a shadow on your wall...
Am I anything at all...
Anything to you?
Am I a secret that you keep...
Do you dream me while your sleeping...
After all?

You don't see me
You don't feel me like I feel you

It's Official!

2006-12-11T15:33:00.000+08:00

I'm skipping Christmas this year!

PS
Birthday shoutout to my bro Chong Pagong. We bicker and fight a lot but you know there's love. I got your back! Always!

Baaaah!

2006-12-05T14:12:00.000+08:00

MEN!!!
(Correction: Little Boys!@?%**!!)

IRREPLACEABLE
Beyonce

To the left
To the left

Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet that's my stuff - Yes
If I bought it nigga please don't touch
And keep talking that mess, that's fine
But could you walk and talk at the same time
And It's my name that is on that Jag
So remove your bags let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard telling me
How I'm such a fool - Talking about
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
And  call up on that chick and see if she's home
Oops, I bet ya thought that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for?
Cause you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby you dropped them keys hurry up before your taxi leaves

So since I’m not your everything
How about I'll be nothing
Nothing at all to you
Baby I wont shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy

*** *** ***

From an emo fuckwit, I am now a certified zombie. I am going through the motions of my daily existence but I am neither feeling nor experiencing any of it. I'm sick--but I don't have a remedy. I go through each day either passively taking in whatever it is that Life has decided to throw my way or absolutely seething with anger. I am close to a recluse. I seek comfort under the sheets, behind a good book or watching my fave series on DVD. I still get some semblance of joy from shopping but I don't feel the same rush of excitement that I used to. Everything I know has changed and people continue to let me down--especially when I need them the most and most especially after I pour my heart and soul to them. It's stupid to place any emotional attachment on anybody because 9 out of 10 times, that person will not come through for you.

Things here at the Pancitan (Yes, I will be calling my workplace as such because people have somewhat grown accustomed to coming to us with an 'I-want-a-giant-bilao-of-instant-pancit-NOW-NA!' attitude. Annoying sometimes really!) have taken its toll on me. Each morning is greeted with an immense feeling of dread. I used to look forward to each workday because it used to provide a safe haven for me/ an escape of sorts but that's not quite how things are now. Nakakapagod na talaga ang politika dito. Ba't di nalang kasi lumugar ang mga tao? Isa lang ang Bossing dito AT hindi kayo yun kaya kung pwede lang, magsi-tigil na kayo!!! Lahat kayo magagaling. Lahat kayo perpektong tao! MoFos really! Gaaaad!

As the year ends, I have some really big decisions to make. It's scary and I've been trying to out them aside but I know I can't keep running for long. Weekends are tough because that's when I feel the pressure the most. Only a few weeks till 2007. I hope the anxiety and stress kills me before the fireworks go off. I don't have the strength to do it myself.

EMO Overload

2006-11-20T18:20:00.000+08:00

I am a certified emotional fuckwit right now. I am honestly beginning to lose control over everything--I actually cracked at work yesterday and I know that I am capable of cracking at any given moment. Unfortunately for me, my boss even caught me in the midst of my breakdown. My life is soooo peachy-keen! Woohoo! :D --I'm being sarcastic of course!

On one hand, was able to reconnect with an "old" friend. It's been months since we last spoke for reasons I would rather leave undisclosed. I'm just glad that we were able to talk again. I guess in order to see things for what they really are, it's important to step back and step away. There's always a bigger picture. We just can't always see it.

This is for you Manokky... Thank you for reminding me that friends are friends no matter what. I'm glad to know you're still there for me. I know you're better than this, so I don't even have to say it. we both know you're gonna be okay in no time at all... :)

WALTZ
Hale

I hate the way you are
So mean to me by far
The most frigid girl
That i have ever known

You speak loudly, but
When i'm not around
You'll be just like them
So shallow and obnoxious

Please...
That's enough, That's enough...
Please...

I've said this a million times before
And i'm sick
But all that i need
And all that i bleed
And all that i care for
Is you

You said that you'd call
But time you'll be at home
But you never did
You said you did mean to

Now i'm outraged
As if we're engaged
You made me realize
I'm just your alibi

And all that i need
And all that i bleed
And all that i care for
Is you

I hate you..

*** *** ***
This is for me...
...because everytime I feel that maybe I'm doing something right, you always manage to prove me wrong...

SOMEDAY
Nina

Someday, you're gonna realize
One day you'll see this through my eyes
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You don't really see my worth
You think, you're the last guy on earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Cos' Someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day. I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday. someday

Right now
I know you can' t tell
I'm down and I'm not doing well
But one day, these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

100

2006-11-09T15:13:00.000+08:00

Because this is my 100th post, I think it is but-fitting for me to clue you in on (more like shamefully reveal) the origin of the title of this (ktv) blog.

But before all of that, I decided to backtrack and make a list of what made it to the soundtrack of my life in the past year or so..

1. Ghost - Indigo Girls
2. How to Save a Life - The Fray
3. Super Duper Love - Joss Stone
4. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
5. If You're Missin' (COme on Home)- Bethany Joy Lenz
6. Fragile - Maria Mena
7. Gone - Kelly Clarkson
8. My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne
9. If I Was Your Woman - Alicia Keys
10. Pretty Good Year - Tori Amos
11. Have a Little Faith in Me - John Hiatt/ Mandy Moore
* I posted this twice. Oh Ye' of lil' Faith! Tsk tsk tsk...
12. Girl Next Door - Saving Jane
13. Catch Me - In Vino
* Technically, this hasn't been played in front of a live audience...
14. Happy - Square Heads
15. Slow Down - Natalie Imbruglia
16. Escapade - Janet Jackson
17. Bad Day - Daniel Powter
18. Sa Uulitin - Mojofly
19. All I Wanna Do - Sheryl Crow
20. Beer - Itchyworms
21. Push the Button - Sugababes
22. Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Tori Amos
23. New Year - Sugababes
24. Sorry - Maria Mena
25. Ikot - Stonefree
26. Stick With You - They Pussycat Dolls
27. With You - Jessica Simpson
28. Suntok sa Buwan - Session Road
29. Beneath the Surface - Incognito
30. You Learn - Alanis Morisette
31. Fix You - Coldplay
32. I Tried to Rock You but You Only Roll - Leona Naess
33. Dying - Five for Fighting
34. Wake Up - Hilary Duff
35. Dare You to Move - Switchfoot
36. 32 Flavors - Alana Davis
37. Heaven Help - Lenny Kravitz
38. Stuck in a Moment - U2
39. A Shade of Blue - Incognito
40. Girl - Destiny's Child
41. The One You Love - Glenn Frey
42. You Make Me Sing - Karylle
43. Umagang Kay Ganda - Pops/ Noisy Neighbors
44. I Can't Make You Love Me - George Michael
45. You Oughta Know - Alanis Morisette
46. Sana Naman - Session Road
47. One & Only - Mariah Carey featuring Twista
48. We Belong Together - Mariah Carey
49. Invisible War - Julia Fordham
50. Breathe No More - Evanescence
51. Sleeps With Butterflies - Tori Amos
52. It's Like That - Mariah Carey featuring Jermaine Dupri/ Fatman Scoop
* So I really dug her Emancipation album.. :9
53. Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
54. Always On My Mind - Elvis Presley/ Fantasia Barrino

54 (55 if you count that 1 re-post) songs out of 99 entries.. not too bad but it makes for a rather dreary and uneventful life, right? I still feel as if my life is spiraling down. Maybe I haven't really recovered from the blows that have come my way in the past few months. Kung hindi nyo nahahalata kung gaano na ako talaga kalungkot, manhid kayo or magaling talaga ako magdala!!!

*** *** ***
UNDERNEATH THIS SMILE
Hilary Duff
*Yes! Okay! I got my blog title from one of her songs. Happy?!!
Shameful!!! Really!!! Hahaha

What I'm standing on is sinking in
And I don't have a clue how to get off of it
But when I look at you there is hope
It's like you see the sadness in my eyes
You read the blue between the lines
You could be the one to hold me when I wanna cry

Underneath this smile
My world is slowly caving in
All the while
I'm hanging on
Cause that is all I know
Could you be the one to save me
From every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole?
I've been hiding out for miles
Underneath this smile

I have walked this earth with broken bones
I've been keeping secrets under all these lights
But when you're around my defenses go
You don't let me run away from you
You don't let me twist and turn the truth
It feels as if I'm naked when you're standing in the room

Could you be the one to save me
From every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole?
I've been hiding out for miles
Underneath this
Underneath this
Underneath this smile
What I'm standing on is sinking in

*** *** ***
P.S.
I'm not too keen on my new blogtemp but this will have to do while I find "the ONE" for me.. :9

For BB...

2006-10-23T11:41:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it takes a big blow to knock some sense and all those familiar emotions back into one's being.. I wish I could turn back time and try to relive the 'moments' between us that I let slip away.. that you didn't fight for.. that I didn't value up until the chance may have passed us by..

Now there are too many variables that we can't just disregard. There are enough choices and options to put Starbucks to shame. It's not fair that all these things have to happen now.. not when my eyes are finally open and I can see a "future" past the friendship that has kept me afloat throughout the years. You're right, you've always been there for me--unconditionally. Was I that guarded that I couldn't see that you were always mine, that I should've just taken hold of you when I could??? Why didn't I listen to the truth when you spoke those words to me? And now I fear that when this storm has passed, you will surely not come out of it unscathed and I will be left with only a semblance of a man I used to know..and the man who loved me completely for everything that was me..

Like I've said, I'm taking myself out of the equation because I know all of this shouldn't have to matter right now. I should be the least of your worries. Be strong and be the man I always knew you to be.. I expect nothing less.. While it may hurt and regardless of the title, I'll be here for you always.. I promise..

*** *** ***

GHOST
Indigo Girls

There's a letter on the desktop
That I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the Mississippi's mighty
But it starts in Minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess that's how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And there's not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
I'm in love with your ghost
I'm in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret
That gets whispered in a hush
(Dont tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
(Dont tell a soul)
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
I'd walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
I've never been this close
I'm in love with your ghost

Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I cant touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh I'm forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles
With you always at my heels

My bitter pill to swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can't swim free
The river is too deep
Though I'm baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)

Who's Saving Who?

2006-10-18T09:23:00.000+08:00

Who has the right to say or judge if a person needs saving or not? I thought I was over the whole Messiah Complex bit but apparently this is something that is harder to let go off. I don't really know what to do anymore or if I'm at the right state of mind and heart. There are just too many ideals running through my head and I don't know how to come to terms with them. When will things ever fall into place for me? Will somebody come and save me? Cos' I honestly don't think I can keep doing this for too long..

Everybody leaves at one point or another.. whether it's for a good reason or not. Regardless, the people who get left behind always end up getting hurt..

*** *** ***

HOW TO SAVE A LIFE
The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

Supah Dupah Lovin'

2006-10-10T08:05:00.000+08:00

26 @ Ponti:

*** *** ***

My birthday came and went just like that. Everything else is somewhat back to normal although I feel that I am at a point where I oughta start thinking about the future.. about what it is that I really want to do or what it is that I want to make out of myself. My options are pretty wide and far-reaching but not unobtainable. As with all things in this life, it's just a matter of actually making the decision to go and pursue my dream/ goal. I'm just too scared to.. I don't think I'm ready yet.. I just know that it's time to grow up and move on..

*** *** ***

FRIGHT NIGHT UPDATE:

Haaaaay! Can't this nightmare end already??!!! Give or take 3 more weeks till we're reunited baby.. Hang in there! :,(

*** *** ***

Birthday shoutout to the Cheeeesiest Cutie on the planet! Here's to more "keso" talks. Cheers! :9

SUPER DUPER LOVE
Joss Stone

Yeh are you diggin on me
Yeh yeh yeh
Im diggin on u now baby
Yeh do u wanna little bit of my love
Yeh wait a minute wait a minute

All the time i knew that you loved me
Because you were always there
Could i be that mistaken
Believing that you really care

In the presence of all my friends
You stood there holding my hand
And you promise me faithfully
That you will be my only man

Everytime i walk down the street with you
Im as proud as a girl can be
Just 2 no that u r mine
And all that good loving belongs to me

In the presence of all my friends
You stood there holding my hand
And you promise me faithfully
That you will be my only man

Yeh are you diggin on me
Yeh yeh yeh
Im diggin on u now baby
Yeh do u wanna little bit of my love
Yeh wait a minute play it for my Little Beaver

Yeh are you diggin on me
Yeh yeh yeh
Im diggin on u now baby
Yeh do u wanna little bit of my love
Yeh wait a minute your love is super oh baby
See im trying to tell you
Your love is super duper
Super yes it is yes it is
Your love is
Your love is super
Are you diggin on me coz im diggin on you
Im just trying to tell you
Oh this love is super duper
Wait a minute

Phase 1: Quarter-Life Crisis Complete

2006-10-06T08:36:00.000+08:00

So this is what 26 feels like.. Can't quite say it's any different from 25.. The thought of what this year will bring scares the living bejeezus out of me! My only hope is to survive this too.. I need a drink, stat.. :9

*** *** ***

UNWRITTEN
Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way oh, oh

Somebody's Playing the Blues Again

2006-09-28T11:56:00.000+08:00

The birthday blues officially kick-off today.. I. Am. Positively. Losing, My. Mind. Ang. Tanga. Ko. Shiyet.

*** *** ***
IF YOU'RE MISSING (COME ON HOME)
Bethany Joy Lenz

Here I am
Red high heels
Yellow dress
Perfect nails
Lips like velvet
Don’t you want me, baby?

I’ve been here and back again
It never answers anything
Where was I when they handed out the knowing you are loved?

Don’t it get lonely out there, little darling
Well come on home
I’ll be here with open arms
To hold you
When you arrive
I’ll be here with open arms
To show you
Where you belong
If you’re missing come on home

Been undone
I’ve seen it all
Still somehow I refuse to kick this carnivore to the wall
Traveled here a thousand years
It’s a wonder my heart stills heals and beats and feels
It does anything at all

ENOUGH.. please..

2006-09-25T09:05:00.000+08:00

I had yet another "interesting" weekend.. but I don't have the mental ability or the right amount of sanity to share the things that transpired. You win some, you lose some. Either way, you leave with a broken heart. It's only September. If this "storm" keeps up, I don't think I'll make it to Christmas..

*** *** ***

HOW TO DEAL WITH LIFE :

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate!

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give to someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.

I Miss My Baby..

2006-09-20T09:18:00.000+08:00

When it rains, it definitely pours. I feel like I'm caught up in the eye of the storm. I don't wanna drown..HELP!!!

My Poor Baby..

Making a New Fashion Statement.. I think not..

It's been a week since the accident. Some of the bruises are gone, the swelling in most of my muscles has gone down. It's my third day at work, still under the false pretense that I'm back to normal and that I'm raring to 'work work work' again.. I feel so different. I feel like I've lost a big chunk of who I thought I was. I will never be back to "normal"--whatever the hell normal was--again, not for a long time at least. Karma in this day and age is indeed digital. What goes around comes around as fast as money spewing out of an ATM machine. You punch in the right digits and BAM! Just like that. Sure, I supposedly stood-up for al of womankind that scandalous night but who's dealing with all this crap now?! Certainly not all of womankind.. Just ME, only ME, all-by-lonesome ME.. Haaaay! Ano ba naman klaseng buhay ito???!!!

My blog is my punching bag and had I REALLY and TRULY released all the emotions I've been keeping inside me, I might still be in 1 piece and my car would be sitting in the parking lot outside my office as I type this. If only I could turn back time, I'd go back about a month or two from today..If only..

*** *** ***
BIRTHDAY SHOUTOUTS:

Fifipooh, I love you! I can't wait to hit the beach with you guys so we can celebrate.. Fun Fun Fun! Thank you for all the real love and the true friendship you've given me and shared with me throughout the years. What we have is truly one for the books. What would I have done without you?!! (Jammy, make the arrangements puhleeeeaaase! I need to get out of here and hang on to the little bit of sanity that I have left!)

Brother Bear, I'm still at a loss for words to say.. I hope your birthday was a happy one. Everything will fall into place soon enough.. you'll see! I know you're still around but somehow I feel that you're not quite here anymore. Funny, but I miss you already..

I'm here for you always..Unconditionally..

*** *** ***
FRAGILE
Maria Mena

I've been walking around all day,
Thinking.
I think I have a problem,
I think I think too much.
I've been taught to hold back my tears,
And avoid them.
But you make pain into something I could touch.

I've been walking around all day,
Laughing.
I think I'd be better off without you here.
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over.
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare.
Now that's okay.
Let them stop and stare.

Cause I am fragile.
I am hopeless.
I'm not perfect.
But I am free.

I've been walking around all day,
Waiting.
And waiting is all I seem to do.
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it.
But this time i'll just have to.
Yeah this time i'll just have to.

Say you're not around, Am I finished?
If you're not around, thats too bad.
Hope youre safe and sound, not alone now.
Cause you know I believe in you.

I'm still fragile,
I'm still hopeless,
I'm not perfect,
But I am free.

Oh the Glory Days..

2006-09-11T10:36:00.000+08:00

5-years in a row.. I can't stand it really.. (I'm not saying they didn't deserve it because they have perfected their routine which they have been using year after year after year.. Haven't you got anything new?? Ahh, the bitter pill.. Hehe)

It's been 4 years since I left college and yet, even as I find myself on the bleachers and not on the hardcourt anymore, I still get the same anxiety attacks and I can still feel the energy pulsing through my veins. Haaaaaay! What else is there to say??!! GO TEAM!

**Totally unrelated but Jojo, if you're reading this: YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR PROMISE! I'll see you this week.. Miss you plenty!! :)

Just Had to Post This :D

2006-09-08T11:16:00.000+08:00

This is one of the funniest e-mails I've ever received.. and it's soooo apt. Enjoy and laugh out loud if you must. Thanks Tagteam Partner Bogart! Your mail made my day :)

For my Bitches, my Girlies, my Chicas and all of Womankind ;)
*** *** ***

PARA SA MGA MAGAGANDA!!!!

Before, hinahabol kita pero di mo ako pinapansin. Tapos isang araw nawala ako, hinanap mo ako at tinanong, "Bakit ka nagsawa?" Ngumiti ako, "Hindi ako nagsawa. Natauhan lang." Pwede mo kong lokohin pero wag kang magpapahuli sakin.
Pwede mo kong palitan pero siguraduhin mong mas mahal mo siya sakin. Pwede mo kong iwan pero siguraduhin mong kaya mo. Kasi pag ako sobrang nasaktan, wala ka nang babalikan.

Ang Boys? Pag trip ka, magpapakilala. Kaibigan kuno hanggang pumorma na.Tapos pag nahulog ka na, ayun, goodbye na dahil sawa na sila. Pero dapat walang iiyak at smile lang tayo. Punyeta, anong silbi ng karma?

I fell in love and got hurt but I didn't shed too much tears nor did I ask him to love me again. Instead, I stood up proudly and said, "Ganyan talaga ang magaganda! Hindi bagay sa tanga!"

Simple lang para hindi ka masaktan. Kapag minahal ka, mahalin mo din. Kapag ginago ka, gaguhin mo rin. Pero kapag umiyak ka, tanga ka! Ginago ka na nga iiyakan mo pa? Pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo, wag mo siyang sisihin! Kausapin mo siya ng harap-harapan at sabihin mong, "Ingat, tanga ka pa naman!"

Masakit pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo. Pero wag kang magagalit ng husto. Kahit papano may pinagsamahan naman kayo, diba?
Kaya for the last time yakapin mo siya at ibulong mo, "Gago, kukulamin kita!"

Girls, talo daw sayo sa mga boys? Papayag kayo? Sige, pag niligawan tayo, sagot agad. Pag iniwan tayo? Ok lang. Kapag
sinabi nilang, "Uy, ex ko." Alam niyo sagot diyan? "Ay, ambisyoso."

If the one you love doesn't love you back, don't get depressed. Just think about it for a while, maybe cry a bit then wipe your tears and say, "Ang weird naman niya. Di siya pumapatol sa magaganda!"

You only got one life so live it well., one heart so take good care, one soul so keep it pure. One boyfriend? What a waste! Make it two or more! Sayang ganda natin! Pag sinabi sayo ng mahal mo na ayaw na niya sayo, hayaan mo lang. Wag kang iiyak at magpapakagago! Imbis na iyakan mo siya, ngitian mo lang at sabihin mo ang ganito, "So, pano? Bye na! Naghihintay na ang kapalit mo!"

Who cares about break-ups? Oo nga, masakit. Makirot sa puso. Pero tandaan mo: a break-up isn't only an end to a
relationship. It's also a beginning of a new one and an end to a living hell called "EX".

The GIlligan Scandal

2006-09-04T10:14:00.000+08:00

I still can't get over the fact that this weekend happened the way that it did. It's absolutely insane! Had either one of us had celebrity status of some sort, we surely would've been on The Buzz, S-Files and our faces would've been plastered all over the local tabloids. (Kuy, if you're reading this..I hope you know better than to tell Mother Dearest. She will absolutely flip!)

If you've read my last post, you'll see that I promised that those people who crossed will "feel my wrath" and last Saturday, I kept my promise. I woke up Sunday morning (okay, practically Sunday afternoon) asking myself and my bunkmate if everything that happened that night really happened. Unfortunately/Fortunately, Saturday was a living nightmare indeed.

My day started out pretty normal--went to the hospital for a check-up, had my car tuned-up, finally tried a diamond peel, and had a jamming session (yes, we're regrouping and I'm sooo excited! I absolutely miss playing and I think my soon-to-be "bandmates" feel the same way). Then the bombs (yes, plural) started to drop. The "Cat" let everything out of the bag and that gave me enough proof to follow-through on the "Dog". Thursday night stake-out (which I would really raher not talk about) proved to be a fluke but this time, all the pieces fell into place. It was a game of chess and even before the game began we already knew that we were going to win. All the key people that were involved in this mess were placed exactly where they were supposed to be--even Bitch Guru was surprisingly 5 minutes away from where we were.

Jamming to "Bitch" with the house band was as good as saying "Let the games begin" Olympic-style. Suffice to say we created quite a stir along that strip even though we were at the very end, in front of a restaurant which was already closed for the rest of the night. Oh the drama of it all! I was never the "scandalosa"-type but in this case, it was a necessary evil. All the ingredients were there: screaming and shouting, revelation of informants (I'm sorry for revealing your identitites but it had to be done..and for as long as you were telling the truth then nothing they say should affect you), betrayal, lies and more vicious lies, denials, aborted fist-fights, text messages as evidence and even an attempt to break-up the drama that was unfolding by the police. It was a bit scary, standing in front of two very tall thugs (the Cat and the Dog) who have truly earned every right to be called thugs but I stood my ground because I knew that I was right and that I had my "bitches" and the other "boys from the hood" to back me up. I don't want to go into more details because that would be too long a post and while it might be an interesting read, it's one of those things that need a little discretion. But I will say this though: Both my palms sting from giving the "Dog" a piece of my mind--four times over.

That night really proved to be a revelation to me. BITCHES INC. isn't something "pa-cute" that we came up with. It stands for girlfriends who will stand by each other and stick with each other NO MATTER WHAT. These are people who will gladly go into battle with you, damn the consequences. We're no angels but you cross one, you cross us all. I guess the 'Dog" and even the "Cat" didn't realize that they messed with the wrong person, hence messed with the wrong Bitches. Sweet Bitch, you and me always. You know that. Bitch Guru, I would never have known how to fight for myself if I didn't meet you. Ours may be a love-hate relationship because we come from different poles of the universe but I love you and you know that. No questions asked. SOS, i'm there.

Once upon a time, I was indeed a doormat--willingly at some point even but times have indeed changed. I refuse to take any bullshit from anyone lying down. My karma trust fund is already overflowing from my past "investment". I've more than reached my quota.

Our night ended with more drinks at Pier1. Alcohol isn't the answer I know but it sure helped calm my frazzled nerves. I lost two pets but I gained more friends. Welcome Young Bad Bitch--you are no longer in training but read and study the manual carefully. Our two new neos-LilBitch and SlipperyBitch (amusing story-but too long to share): we've got your backs so don't worry. Be strong. We're all in this together. Just stay true, stay loyal. No one will harm you. Iver and Diwata, thank you for being real and for being true. It was your honesty (and yes, I'm sure your concern..hehe) that saved me. Thank you "boys in the hood/resbacks"... We never really hung out together before and I may forget your names sometimes but your concern and the way you stood by us till the end will never be forgotten.. (*Manokky, I know you were down with the bird flu so.. I dunno.. I'd rather not say anything cos you don't actually say anything either..noo-ni-noo-ni-noo..hehe)

I woke up today still wondering if that day really hapened the way that it did. Some of the hurt is starting to pinch but i think I've grown a lot stronger over the past year so this isn't anything I can't handle. It was a crazy weekend indeed and I never imagined I would have the "balls" to do something like this (and I pray that I never find reason to do so again). I'll just chalk this one up to experience and move on.. Things will be as they should be soon enough, I just know it. He will equalize things without me having to lift a finger--although I might just... We'll see.

*** *** ***

GONE
Kelly Clarkson

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkle
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered, never open
Nothing matters when you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending, always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking that habit today

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it, babe
Take the hint and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

Three for Three

2006-08-31T20:49:00.001+08:00

I hit the jackpot today! My life is back to being UNBELIEVABLY crazy... and of course, all of this happened just when I thought everything was finally falling into place. Why come???

STRIKE 1.

I got the worst news ever (at least for the year after the Hell that was my life)earlier today just right after lunch. I'm no angel, I never pretended to be one but suffice to say that when I'm angry, I can send shivers down the Devil's spine. And YES, I am absolutely livid. I'm boiling inside and my knees are shaking badly as I write this post. And I swear,I will make sure they feel my wrath.

STRIKE 2.

Aside from buses and jeepneys, tricycles and their stupid drivers are the bane of my existence. In my haste to get to where I am right now, one managed to cram itself in between the tiny space right in front of my car. Hence, I have beautiful red scratches on my bumper. JUST GREAT!!! And of course there was nothing else to do but to let him drive away. It's not as if he can pay for the damage or anything right???

STRIKE 3.

Because I was in such a "mood", I yanked my iTrip from the socket and managed to fry the entire electrical system of my car--no lamp, no radio and no I dunno what else I managed to destroy! Haaaaaayyyy!!

Lord, help me!!!

*** *** ***

MY HAPPY ENDING
Avril Lavigne

So much for my happy ending...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

So much for my happy ending

Who Am I To You?

2006-08-08T13:35:00.000+08:00

Haaaaaay..Yun lang!

*** *** ***

IF I WAS YOUR WOMAN
Alicia Keys

If i was your woman
And you were my man
You'd have no other woman
You'd be weak as a lamb.
If you had the strength.
To walk out my door.
My love would overrule my sins.
And i'd call you back for more.
If i was your woman
If i was your woman
And you were my man, yeahhh

She tears you down darling
Says you're nothing at all
But i'll pick you up darling
When she lets you fall
Cause, you're like a diamond
But she treats you like glass
Yet you begged her to love you
For me you won't ask
If i was your woman
If i was your woman

If i was your woman
Here's what i'd do
I'd never, never, no, no, stop lovin you.
Life is so crazy
And love is unkind
Because she was first darling
Will she hang on your mind?

You're part of me
But you don't even know it
I'm what you need
But i'm too afraid to show it
If i was your woman
If i was your woman

Round & Round

2006-08-02T08:06:00.000+08:00

It's been over a year since my "rebirth" and I know for a fact that I've come to terms with all that's happened to me in the past--even if sans the tears. I know that it is only but fitting to mourn the loss of someone, especially if that person meant more than the world to you but in this case..I suppose, it just wasn't necessary. There are so many other things to cry over..

In a span of one year, I feel that I've gone full-circle. At about this same time last year, while it was liberating, I went through a rollercoaster of emotions (and weight loss and gain..haha) which I felt would never stop. I've obviously gotten on a different ride but somehow it still feels like a rollercoaster just the same.

I've met a bevvy of personalities this year. Some just came and went. Others are still around, lingering in the background and popping up when I least expect them to. Others have been a constant presence in my life--for which I am truly and eternally grateful.

1. My Girlies-Jammy and Fifi: without you and our Friday romps, my life would've shattered into tiny bits and pieces. Where have we all been?!! I miss you..

2. Boppers-there is nothing more to say other than Thank You. Tough Love/Tender Love..Only with you Mars. You and Matty are my family.

3. My Wingmen-so much has happened and so much has changed in a year and even if we rarely see each other, you have to know that you both played such an important role in my life at that point in time. Where have you gone??!! Do you even read this still?? Hahaha.. Nora, magreply ka naman-PASAWAY KA SA LAHAT. Sharon, happiness all over and sadness never-where. I'm so happy for you.

4. My Tagteam partner Bogart-I can't wait until our next adventure/misadventure. It's so much fun to "not care" (but essentially still care to an OA degree even..hehe) about the troubles that plague our parallel lives when we're together. Next victims please.

5. Doctor Mare-Bakit ba tayo nagkakaganito??! Anong bagong kaguluhan ito?!! Kakaiba na ito at ibang levels ng kaguluhan ito! Sinners raise your hands please..Hahaha :9 I'll go to Cavite or to whichever "province" you want.. If you need me, I'm there. Just as you have always been for me.

6. The Orphans-Oh the simple joys in life are made special and more meaningful because of all of you. Thank you for welcoming me with open arms and kahit meedyo OA levels na ito, thank you for always worrying about me and for checking up on me. Isaw and fishballs ulit tayo!!!
*Asong Gala/Asong Ulol--special mention ka! hehe.. Whatever it is that you feel I brought back into your life, you have to know that you did the same for me. You're so unconventional and completely out of the box and yet.. I don't know.. Hahaha :)

7. Bbitch Guru-You're crazy and sometimes I just wanna bop you on the head but I will not forget how you've been there for me too and how you're ready to fight for me at the blink of an eye always. Basta Ikaw...

*** *** ***

At a glance, my life looks peachy-keen but in reality, while everything seems to be falling into place, I feel as if something's still missing..I feel empty.. I can't really explain it but it's been eating me up of late. No, the fact that I am single is defintely not bothering because I am single by choice..I can't explain it. I've got a lot of things on my mind and I'm dealing with a few demons still.. but maybe I should just leave those stories to another post..

*** *** ***

PRETTY GOOD YEAR
Tori Amos

Tears on the sleeve of a man
Don't wanna be a boy today
Heard the eternal footman
Bought himself a bike to race
And Greg he writes letters
And burns his CDs
They say you were something in those formative years
Hold onto nothing
As fast as you can
Well still pretty good year

Maybe a bright sandy beach
Is going to bring you back
May not so now you're off
You're gonna see America
Well let me tell you something about America
Pretty good year
Some things are melting now
Well what's it gonna take
Till my baby's alright

And Greg he writes letters with his birthday pen
Sometimes he's aware that they're drawing him in
Lucy was pretty
Your best friend agreed
Still pretty good year

Anobuzz???!!!

2006-07-20T15:45:00.000+08:00

Jammy sent this to me through mail. Just had to post it. GoodGaaaawwwd!!! Hahaha :9

*** *** ***

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but
remained to be "friends."

They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."

She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila
magkaholding hands lagi?

Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's
assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out.

They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo- boyfriends.
Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not
quite lovers.

Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still
love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.

Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo." This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa w ala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan. But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself.

Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang
na mahal ka rin niya.Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me,"
hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo- relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with
somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences. But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya ...

Almost, but not quite.

I'm Still Alive!

2006-06-29T12:27:00.000+08:00

What a delinquent blogger I've been! I have a million and one stories to share (actually, half a million of those I shouldnt) but this will have to do for now. For those who still take time out to visit my dormant blog, I promise a REAL update soon soon soon.

*** *** ***
I'm pretty sure that this is a repost but whatthehell??!!! It just hits home for me .. for now..

Have A Little Faith In Me
John Hiatt/ Mandy Moore

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your backs against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me

Well, Ive been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me

Memoirs of a Gyoza

2006-04-26T09:34:00.000+08:00

My patience for you is wearing thin...

*** *** ***

Girl Next Door
Saving Jane

Small town homecoming queen
Shes the star in this scene
Theres no way to deny shes lovely
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside shes ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh I'm just the girl next door

I don't know why I'm feelin sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishin that I was someone else

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
I get A little bit she gets a little more
Shes Miss America ... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...

Not Just Another LoveSong

2006-04-26T08:28:00.001+08:00

i have a million things on my mind because it seems as if a million things have happened to me--last week most especially. I want to blog about it just so my tired brain cells can breathe but I'm not really sure I know how to put these thoughts into words just yet. I have good/ nice stories to tell.. some not too bad.. most stories sad..

I haven't been sleeping much again. Last year, it was mainly because I was going through a rough transition period. The difference being that this time around, I'm not too sure why. I don't think it's sadness or loneliness although i'm pretty sure I'm not happy--not unhappy either but just not happy. I'm floating through each day again. My head isn't properly screwed on but I get by with a little help from my friends--alkies and then some! Hahaha :9

*** *** ***

I had a fun weekend but I don't have the pictures to show for it yet. It's been so long since I went out of town for something other than work and I'm looking forward to a pending beach trip at the end of May. (Jammy, we can't not go!!! Book so there's no turning back!) Can't wait! God knows I deserve a break! :p

Everything should've been simple and normal but now, I have yet another something to (not) to think about. What do I keep getting myself into?!!!

*** *** ***

There's no other day but today.. No other way to say it but this way..

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything last night or maybe you didn't really understand what I was trying to say.. While the feelings--my feelings--have long passed, I just felt a strong urge to still let you know. Sorry if you think that maybe I shouldn't have, the last thing I want is for things to be weird between us, especially now that you're "back from the dead". It's important for me that you know that in my darkest of moments, you were my first light of day..

I wish you luck.. I wish you happiness (all over) and sadness never-here..I wish you love..And if I may do a Julia in "My Best Friend's Wedding", this is on loan until you find your own.. :)

CATCH ME
In Vino

You were always there
Standing right in front of me
My heart could somehow feel
What my eyes just could not see
That you could be the one for me
And now as I look at you,
I wear a different smile
Cos' I'm feeling something
Growing deep inside

REFRAIN:
Catch me, I'm falling for you
Wish I knew what it was I'm suppsoed to do
Catch me, I'm falling for you
Wish you'd say you feel the same way too
My heart skips a beat whenever you're around
Catch me cos' I'm falling too fast
(Cos' I've fallen for you)

You saw me through
All my hurt and all my pain
And with one look
My tears magically disappear
Oh help me please, I don't understand
How it's your face
That lingers in my dreams
And now I'm feeling something
Growing deep inside

BRIDGE:
Call me a fool for feeling this way
It crept up behind me
And now I can't escape

Well well well...

2006-04-07T10:26:00.000+08:00

It's no surprise that we got along (notwithstanding our colorful intertwining history) especially since WE'RE EXACTLY LIKE EACH OTHER. What an interesting night that was! Clearly, we're both on the right track. If by some chance YOU happen to drop in on my blog again, I just want you to know that I'm glad I met you too. :)

HAPPY
Square Heads

One day, you came to me
Freed me from misery
I touched the music in you
You started to feel so happy
Makes me jump up and down
You know my heart gets a beat
Each time that we meet
I am so happy I met you

Happy
I am feeling so happy
I'm gonna go happy
You make me so happy
Can't you see I'm happy now

One day, you said to me
Happy is where I wanna be
One plus one makes it two
That equals me and you
Each time we make love
Until the day I met you
All of my dreams came true
I am so happy I met you

Happy
I'm feeling so happy
I'm gonna go happy
I'm gonna be happy
Can't you see I'm happy now

I know I want to be happy one day with you
Now I want to be happy with you my baby
My baby, my baby...

Happy
I'm gonna be happy
I'm gonna be happy
Can't you see I'm happy now

When DOMs Attack

2006-03-29T22:14:00.000+08:00

Can I just share that I just had the most frightful experience in the whole of my--albeit seemingly short--PD career??!!!

Whenever I work as Production Designer/ Wardrobe Stylist, I am tasked with taking the measurements of talents who come for final casting, This way, once the talents are approved by the agency or by the client, I can easily rush to the nearby mall and buy costumes and make it back in time for set/ props/ costume check.

me: Name? Age? Height? etc...
DOM: is that even necessary? Okay..39.
me: (proceeds to take measurements of his shoulders then chest)
DOM: (plants a wet one on my cheek)
me: (wide-eyed and frozen in place)
DOM: I'm so sorry, it won't happen again. Promise! (winks) It's just that you're complexion is...blah blah blah..
me: (proceeds to take measurements of his waistline and hips) That's all, thank you.
DOM: Are you done with me? with my pants?
me: Yes.
DOM: How about my crotch?
me: (run out straight to the Asst. Director, Prod.Manager and Prod.Asst shaking and almost in tears)

Suffice to say, they caused a bit of a riot kicking the sicko out of the office. As far as our client and agency is concerned, his career is over. What a cretin!!! I can hardly believe that fuckers like him exist! (granted I've met quite a few assholes in this lifetime, i just never thought they stay pricks when they're that old..ULk!!!)

Everyone was asking me why I didn't slap the guy. I guess I just didn't want to call attention to the situation and I didn't want to cause a scene, aside from the fact that I was too shell-shocked to react. Ugh!!! Wala lang.. I just had to share..

When the World Stops and Starts

2006-03-29T21:16:00.000+08:00

"The first time I saw you, my heart fell. The second time I saw you, my heart fell. The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen.
I stared at her.
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body that you haven't grown into, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you're mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you're tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful.
I stared at her.
When I see you, the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and its a beautiful place, and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you.
I stared.
When you're gone, the World starts again, and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I jsut walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best fucking thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you."

-James Frey
A Million Little Pieces

*** *** ***
It's somewhat unhealthy how I end up with a plastic bag of books whenever I visit Fully Booked or Powerbooks these past couple of months considering the pile of unread books that already sits on my bedside table although I've made some pretty good and interesting/entertaining buys. The latest being A Million Little Pieces by james Frey. It's a memoir or an autobiography of a 23-year old addict/alcoholic. i haven't gotten to the end of it but it's been a good read so far. The last Oprah Book Club book that I bought was White Oleander and I'm happy that this pick doesn't disappoint.

My heart stopped as I read these lines. Most people might find these lines cheesey but I suppose at this point in my life, at this very moment, I would honestly kill for someone to say this to me and actually mean it. Work is again taking it's toll on me and the lack of a social life is making me somewhat lonely. I want to be loved this way. I want to be able to stop someone dead in his tracks, as if mesmerized by something that he--and maybe only he--sees in me. In the same light, I want to feel this way for somebody whose presence is so compelling that it stuns me into silence. I dunno..My hormones are obviously imbalanced again.

*** *** ***
Thank YOU for making me smile and for being such a sweetheart. YOU keep me entertained, especially during the crazy hours when I'm at a shoot. I love how YOU make me laugh with the little things that YOU say or do or how you pull me close and how you seem to want to keep me even closer to you. Sometimes I'm bothered by how things between us are untitled or how they don't exactly fall into a certain category but on the other hand, I'm starting to take comfort in the limbo that we are in. I'm not ready for another commitment and I'm glad that I don't have any decisions to make. We fit--maybe not perfectly but enough to enjoy each other's company. Right now, that's all I really need and want...

By the way, YOU owe me...and I plan on collecting soon (when I'm not too busy..promise!).. :)

Luv It! Luv 'Em!

2006-03-15T14:48:00.000+08:00

Work has been more fun because of my Bangaw Team! We've only been working together a few months so it's remarkable how well we gel--whether it be over hot pandesal, spicy sardines, yosi, nomu, milk tea, chicken supreme, chili sauce and other "ahem" subtances.

It makes me so proud and it puts me on such a high seeing the fruits of our labor on TV. I'm seriously contemplating a shift in careers but with all the projects coming in, I haven't the time to sit down and make a gameplan. I definitely would like to go back to school and take up a few courses to make the shift legit but when do I have the time for it?? And is this really what I want? Maybe if I have my team to back me up.. Hmmm...

Obviously, we spend our free time on the set camwhoring.. hehe :p More picutres once the TVC comes out! :)

Odd...

2006-03-07T12:45:00.000+08:00

Someone sent me this through e-mail but I don't know who or why.. (boibitch wasdachuuu???!!!) Hmmmmm..

Slow Down
Natalie Imbruglia

You got it the wrong way 'round completely
The fact that I love you so
Doesn't make me a fool
One day you just might grow tired of chasing
The end of a rainbow
You're already there you know

So slow down
Tell me why you're running
And turn around
Let it out and keep it coming
Nothing I can do
If I can't get to you
Slow down

Remember the day you came to see me
Even that lonely long drive
Couldn't keep us apart
And you opened up to me completely
And you gave me piece of mind
The rest we can leave behind

You don't have to hurt yourself
And feel so small
It's so confusing
And you're already there

So slow down
Tell me why you're running
And turn around
Let it out and keep it coming
Nothing I can do
If I can't get to you
Slow down

Slow down

Exactly!!!

2006-03-06T10:52:00.000+08:00

I received this through e-mail. This was written (I think..) by Melvin Mangada of TBWA-Santiago, Mangada, Puno. I share the same sentiments so while it's a long read, I promise it is worth your while. Enough already, REALLY! Let's all just please get with the program.

*** *** ***

An Open Letter to Our Leaders

Dear Tita Cory, Senators, Congressmen, Businessmen, Media people, Leftists, and all Bleeding Hearts Out There:

I am angry. And I know that there are many out there who are angrier than I am for the same reason. And that reason is simple. I am sick and tired of all you guys claiming to speak for me and many Filipinos. I feel like screaming every time you mouth words about fighting for my freedom and my rights, when you obviously are just thinking about yours. You tell me that the essence of democracy is providing every citizen the right to speak his or her mind and make his or her own informed judgments, but you yourselves do not respect my silence and the choices I and many others have made. In
other words, your concept of democracy is limited to having your rights and your freedoms respected, at the expense of ours.

I am utterly flabbergasted that you still do not get it: we already responded to your calls, and our response has been very clear - we chose not to heed your calls to go to EDSA or to Fort Bonifacio not because we do not love our country or our freedoms or our rights, but precisely because we love our country even more. Because quite frankly, we are prepared to lose
our freedoms and our rights just to move this country forward. You may think that is not correct, you can tell me all the dire warnings about the evils of authoritarian rule, but quite frankly all we see is your pathetic efforts to prop up your cause. You tell me that you are simply protecting my freedoms and my rights, but who told you to do that? I assure you that when
I feel that my rights and my freedoms are at a peril, I will stand up and fight for them myself.

You tell us that GMA is not the right person to lead this country because she has done immoral acts. As someone who sees immorality being committed wantonly in many ways every day and by everyone (yes, including the ones you do), I may have become jaded. But you have not been able to offer me any viable alternative, while GMA has bent over backwards many times to accommodate you while continuing to work hard despite all the obstacles and the brickbats you have thrown her way. From where I sit, she is the one who has been working really hard to move this country forward while all of you have been so busy with one and only one thing: to make sure she does not succeed. So forgive me if I do not want to join you in your moral pissing contest. Forgive me if I have chosen to see things from another perspective. You say she is the problem. I say, we are the problem, more to the point, I think you are a bigger problem than she is. Taking her out may solve part of
the problem, but that leaves us with a bigger problem: you. That is right, YOU!

While I felt outraged that she called a Comelec official during the elections and that she may have rigged the elections, I have since then taken the higher moral ground and forgiven her. Yes my dear bishops, I have done what you have told me to do since I was a child, which you say is the Christian and moral thing to do: forgive. Especially since she has asked for
forgiveness and has tried to make amends for it. Erap certainly has not apologized and continues to be defiant, continuing to insult us everyday with his protestations. Cory has not apologized for her incompetence but we have forgiven her just the same because like GMA, she has worked hard after all.

I know you do not think that GMA's apology was not enough, or that she was insincere, or that that apology should not be the end of it, but please spare me the hypocrisy of telling me that you do so for the sake of protecting the moral fiber of society. The real reason is because you smell blood and wants to go for the kill.

Well, I have news for you. I do not like her too. I did not even vote for her. I voted for Raul Roco. But as much as I do not like her, I do not like you even more. I may not trust her, but guess what; I do not trust you even more.

You know why? Because all you do is whine and sabotage this country. You belittle every little progress we make; conveniently forgetting that it is not just GMA who has been working so hard to achieve them. Every single day,
we keep the faith burning in our hearts that this country will finally pull itself out of the mess and we work so hard to do that. Every little progress is the result of our collective effort, we who toil hard everyday in our jobs. Yet, you persist in one and only thing: making GMA look bad in the eyes of the world and making sure that this country continues to suffer to
prove your sorry point. In the process, you continue to destroy what we painstakingly try to build. So please do not be surprised that I do not share your cause. Do not be surprised that we have become contemptuous of your antics. You have moved heaven and earth to destroy her credibility, you have convened all kinds of fora and hearings and all you have done is testour patience to the core. For all your effort, you have only succeeded in dragging us further down. I say enough.

Don't get me wrong. I am not asking that we take immorality lying down, or that we let the President get away with anything illegal. But you have tried to prove your accusations all these time and you have not succeeded, so itis time to let things be. Besides, you are doing something immoral as well if not utterly unforgivable. The Magdalo soldiers are consorting with the
communists - the same people who have been trying to kill democracy foryears. Cory has been consorting with Erap and the Marcoses.

So please wake up and take a reality check. In the absence of true and genuine moral leadership, many of us have decided to cast our lot with the President, even if we do not like her. A flawed leader is better than scheming power hungry fools who can not even stand up for their convictions in the face of an impending arrest.

Your coup attempts and the denials that you have consequently made only underscore what we think is true: you are spineless and unreliable people whose only defense is to cry suppression when your ruse do not work. You are
like bullies who taunt and provoke, but cry oppression when taken to task for your cruelty.

I would have respected you if you took the consequences of your actions like real heroes: calmly and responsibly instead of kicking and screaming and making lame excuses. You say you are willing to die for us, that you do all these things for the country and the Filipino, but you are not even willing to go to jail for us.

Come on, you really think we believe that you did not want to bring down the government when that is the one and only thing you have been trying to do in the last many months?

We love this country and we want peace and progress. Many among us do not give a f*&k who sits at Malacanang because we will work hard and do our share to make things work. If you only do your jobs, the ones that we elected you to do, things would be a lot simpler and easier for every one.

The events during the weekend only proved one thing. You are more dangerous and a serious threat to this country than GMA is. We have seen what you are capable of doing - you are ready to burn this country and reduce everything
to ashes just to prove your point. If there is something that we need protection from, it is protection from you.